My brain is a dead zone

My brain is a dead zone. completely unable to thin k. barely can function. motherfuckin g pigs have stymied all attempts to get testosterone i so desperately need to feel human. l figured out why i have alter egos in sleep. when i am so fucking high estrogen my body identifies as female, but to me female means being under 12 yeares, or when my menstrual cycle was real high on estrogen. under 12 means passive and judgmental.. as an adult when i was hig estrogen was when i allowed abuese and violation. to me, to be human, to be alive, to be creative, loving, and functioning means to have enough energy (testosterone) to be male. there is no doubt that in my dreams when i am in this state that i am full of negativity--especially toward females. i hate the way i feel, whjen i am female, and i project that hate out to other females.

sad thing is, this is good guys doing this shit to me. cant stop it. going to get drunk. would rather be drunk than bread dead and high estrogen, full of negativeyty, and passivity, and wshing i were dead.