Sunday, November 20, 2011

My fears expressed in the last post

My fears expressed in the last post were right on target. Trying to interpret the confusing images of my dreams last night, have led me to conclude that the vampires of the Nazi-allied MACHINE minions, chased me all night, and nearly got me. I think the Black psychic community tried to help me, but either they weren't powerful enough, or I would not join them on a more fundamental level, so an alien faction came to my aid--probably the dog Sirians, though honestly I cannot say for sure. It is a little concerning to me, that I am so helpless to defend myself in my dream time astral travels. I am making decisions that I am not sure that I would make in real life. I mean, I get it--that becoming a Black man would be a major reorientation of my life, but is that my fear, or just my reluctance to accept responsibility--and especially the responsibility of an identity within a community. After the painful rejection by others and forced solitude, that was my experience for most of my early life, I am more comfortable being alone than in community. Actually, what I really want is a relationship with a woman, who helps to meet my social needs, but that is not going to happen. It would be nice if I could just feel at home in a community setting, but that is not going to happen, either. Yet, I cannot go it alone--I will die. I would have died last night, had I not been assisted. Even though I survived the night, today has been a really lousy day. I woke up with so much estrogen in my system (the dog Sirians prefer me as a female), that I was low energy all day. On top of that, I am suffering with a lot of nerve pain, and fluid pressure in my legs. Still, that wasn't the worst of it. THE AMON-RA CULT HAS BEEN ON MY TAIL ALL DAY! I know now that it is a mistake to reciprocate kindness to one of their devotees. They turn my compassion into a weapon to be used against me. I feel like a teenage draftee of the Vietnam war, torn by the directive to shoot a little child walking purposefully to the camp, because the VC used them as suicide bombers. I cannot help but feel sorry for so many of these Amon-RA types. So many of them have the weakest, lowest sense of self that I have ever encountered. However, they know how to use my compassion for them, against me. So, I am going to have to be vigilant against any kindness. Today, however, they went all out--I mean, it is crazy what those stupid schmucks do to me--it almost is like watching a horror film--and there is no doubt in my mind that they know exactly what they are doing--they have been at this mind control thing for a long time. The bizarre encounters of today were set up by my bike ride--first one in a couple of days. Now it would be a fair question to ask me why I continue to ride my bike when these Amon-RA vultures just flock all over me. The answer is easy--it is the only hysical expercise that I can do. My legs are too neuropathically dead to even walk, up and down the alley, a block at a time, as I used to do. I'm trying desperately to keep the motor neurons in my legs alive, even though the viral download is killing them by the thousands. I also have a great need of fresh air and nature. It feels so good to me, to get out, and breathe fresh air, and look at the trees, water, sky, and mountains. To be honest, I am not getting enough outside time, as I really need. Unfortunately, on days like today, I also have to put up with the sinister presence and actions of the Amon-RA types. I wish I could explain the yucky spirit that these poor, pathetic sobs have. Yet there they were sitting and standing around in twos and threes--just staring at me in in a dead but coercive fashion. I expected them to any minute, like the walking dead, start lurching walk to me, with arms out, to eat my flesh. Then there was the bizarre incident when a man draped himself across a tree, like he was making love to it. Poor tree--to be mauled by such a creep. The worst thing though, was that the man was wearing a small white toboggan, which is what I wear when I need a hat. Was it my hat? If so, did it drop from my basket while I biked, or did they swipe it from my home. For I o believe that they are able to access my home. On my front porch today, I saw someone had shuttered my mailbox, and tampered with the hidden key to my basement lock, which I had taped under a porch table. It was as if they were saying, "We can fuck with you any time that we want". I think that a big part of their mind control is to paralyze the victim with the fear that repeated stalking causes. Still, that is not the worst thing that they did--the absolute worst was getting electromagnetically zapped. Now, when I bike, the viral download is often released, which is where I run into a lot of problems, because I don't have enough testosterone in my system to keep going, when that download hits. So, sure enought, I had major energy problems during my bike ride, but as I was entering my final stretch, an Amon-RA woman ambushed me from the street above and behind the bike path. However, though she called out, "on your left", she stayed behind me, and zapped me big time. I knew immediately, because of the nerve weakness that instantly paralyzed me, and because my mind went nearly psychotic to the point I wasn't in reality. However, thank God, I was in reality enough to veer off the path, when she deliberately put her bike in front of me and braked! She wanted me to crash into her! Why? More mind game bullshit. Either I was supposed to feel guilty for "hurting" her once I crashed, or the two bikers, who came immediately upon the scene were supposed to "save me". All bullshit mind games--and all because I accepted an act of kindness from a stranger (swapping queue numbers yesterday), and felt sorry for her. Anyway, somehow I got home, but I was so sick I couldn't even get my bike to the bottom of the stairwell to lock it up in the basement. Instead, I just pulled it into my kitchen. Then I lost an entire afternoon--I was so sick with nausea, headache, and the viral download zap that all I did was sleep--waking up fitfully, ever so often to see such instructional and worthwhile TV programs, as "The Big Hairy Biker" recipe for beer-battered alligator meat! Yuck!! Anyway, it took me hours to get rid of that fucked up, viral feeling. Usually, it takes an hour or two--this time the download was so massive, it took four or more hours. Anyway, a little scary that the Amon-RA types will go as far as they do, but really I am not so much afraid of them, as disgusted with myself, for once again, getting hooked into the compassionate response bit. Those people are sick and lost souls, and they have got their mind control techniques down to an art. I have to quit feeling sorry for those brainwashed sickos, because my compassion is nothing to them, but a big, fat hook, from which to swing me, until I am dead.

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