Sunday, November 6, 2011

It is a good thing that I gain an hour of sleep tonight

It is a good thing that I gain an hour of sleep tonight, because I cannot sleep. I am so uncomfortable in my own body (actually it is not my body--it the femme bot body that has been forced on me), that I just stay awake, thinking and remembering how good it used to feel when I was in my own body--strong, substantial, muscular. Now the only substantial part of me-my belly and the Nazi boobs--are alien and hateful to the touch. I am on some kind of weird drug that has me feeling completely out of sorts--no energy, no joy, no "starter". Instead, I am just a passive slug, capable of reading and watching TV, but not feeling part of reality or able to interact with it. I am wondering what the hell the alien tormentors did to me now? Did they flip an electric switch so that I carry a female charge instead of a male? Am I on some kind of tranquilizing drug that has me all zombied out? I don't know. I just know that I am miserable in this body and even more miserable in this state of mind.

I am having serious Oedipal dreams, and realize that I am in a catch-22. Yes, I have a masculine Oedipal complex regarding my mother, but complicating that is the sexual abuse that I think I endured at the hands of my father. So, while my mother was my primary love object, I feel guilty for "betraying" her, because of the sexual attention shown me by my father (this is all very weird, unless one can accept--as I do--The Freudian understanding of childhood passion in the formation of depth psychology). I also wonder if part of my mother's desire to destroy me is a childish jealousy of that sexual attention I received from my father. She had a huge Oedipal crush on her own father, who never sexually abused her and who died when she was very young.

In my dream last night, I dreamed that I was driving my father's car, and the starter died, and I was happy to fix it, but before I took it into the shop, I called him to ask if it still was under warranty. I took two points from that dream. I think that my conscious desire to be in a man's body is running into resistance, because unconsciously (Oedipally and immaturely), I think being a man identifies me as my father. Of course, I don't want to be a man like my father-he was a deeply wounded man. However, what all the naysayers who want me to be a woman don't realize THAT I SPENT YEARS RESISTING BEING A WOMAN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER. It took years of researching and reading extensive feminist writers (baby, I was reading and digging the hard-core stuff when I was 12, 13, 14--thank God for public libraries), to finally accept that I could be a woman and not be like my mother. I don't have 10 years to do this all over again to feel comfortable accepting a male identity. However, I need a little bit of time. The second item of this dream that impressed me was the "dead" starter in the car. This is actually a dream that I have had fairly frequently, ever since the aliens started "feminizing" my body. As a matter of fact, the starter in my truck completely died the week that I was castrated. This dream usually accompanies the state I have been in today--low energy, passive, and very mediocre (in my dreams I may be hot shit, but I will never be worth much in the real world feeling this way--it is like being depressed, enervated, no joy, no life, just a slug). I think it may have to do with either them changing my electrical charge to female instead of male or excessive psychotropics and/or female hormones. I feel like a eunuch--except when I am high estrogen, I CAN"T sing, and sure don't have the zest for life to make music).

So I have a very knotty and neurotic Oedipal complex to resolve (how many "males" Oedipally love their mothers, yet find themselves beset with neurotic guilt for "betraying" her because of (non-consensual and immature) sex with their fathers. I need time to resolve this neurosis, but more importantly I need space--a drug free space, a hormonally clear space (I keep taking testosterone, but I feel like I need so much more than I take), a safe space. Even the virus acts like a drug, dragging my energy down.

Well, I want to go deeper, but as usual, when I am in this feminine state of mind, I do not have the necessary energy or desire to go deep and make creative connections. Maybe tomorrow.

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