Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I have figured out what is making me so ill

I have figured out what is making me so ill. In addition to the testosterone deprivation that i have been lamenting, especially since I was unable to get my hands on the synthetic supplement that I have been using for the last six months now, just to get by, I also am suffering from serotonin intoxication. I made a brief stop at the Indian center to buy inexpensive "res" cigarettes, and the way the Indians in the place looked at me, I knew what they saw. I have seen serotonin intoxication before--when I was in jail, an occasional Native woman would come in with the stiff walk, the emotionally vacant look, and the zombie lack of engagement with reality. Their brains were totally pickled in alcohol. After a week or so, they would develop a personality, with no awareness of how emotionally and mentally incapacitated they were by the alcohol. Many years ago, when I was becoming increasingly disengaged from reality, due to the lithium, I drove by a homeless wino, who was just waking and getting up from his sleep by a property wall. As I saw him stumble up drunkenly, with a vacant look on his face, I said to myself, "I know how you feel brother. I feel the same way". And I did--for lithium and the MACHINE causes serotonin intoxication in me. If I had enough testosterone, it would lessen the impact, but without it, I am a walking zombie. Furthermore, I am recognizing that my brain is starting to go. As I was driving today, I recognized that I had lost a sense of time and did not know where I was--another lithium marker. My brain is starting to lose memory neurons, and goddamned it, I have already lost too many tens of thousands of memory neurons due to the damned lithium. Well, there is nothing for it, but to drink alcohol--which oddly enough makes me feel more human when I am on lithium. That, and watch TV--as any other kind of activity just is too difficult. My legs are too weak and shaky to even walk--just like a wino's. My poor body and brain--it is not me abusing you.

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