Saturday, December 10, 2011
I am in so much pain
I am in so much pain that I can barely write this. Muscles so spasmed that I can neither sit nor stand up straight. I keep yelling out as loud as I can that this misery and pain is not sustainable, but it does no good. The Sirians have "claimed" me, and they ignore all my protestations that such a life as I am living now is not bearable. Nor do I want to spend all of my productivity while I sleep. I am grateful that they come to my aid, but I am not happy or comfortable in this body as it is now. I long for the days when my energy and creativity is high--in short i need much more testosterone than I have now. I was able to bike a little today, and it is clear to me that I am increasingly disabled and in greater and greater chronic pain. My belly is all bloated out, and I am nearly incontinent. My fingernails are once again soft and very ridgy--when I am high testosterone, they are not. More than anything else, though is the quiet desperation of being an invalid--reduced to a slow moving brain, an autistic, alienated emotional life, and the loss of spirit and joy. I am happy to help the Sirians, but sooner or later they are going to have to listen to me, when I say that my life of pain and suffering and low testosterone and drained energy is not sustainable. Now to bed.