Monday, December 19, 2011

I find myself in a perpetually depressed and irritable mood

I find myself in a perpetually depressed and irritable mood. It is, I think, a combination of excessive estrogen and some psychotropic drugs. I have to fight not to rage, to throw chairs, and curse a blue streak at the top of my lungs, so I can only imagine what the goddamned fuckers are doing to me now. I know another evil monstrosity that I have suffered at their hands. Last week, probably Thursday, they cut out a lot of my lower back muscle, which has left me so de-energized that I can barely move. To top that off, they literally cut into my pelvic girdle and fashioned some freak of a vagina that only a Nazi butcher could admire. Because I am so alienated and out of touch with my body (and because I haven't been able to go for a bike ride--I don't know if my pelvis will be able to stand the pain anymore), it took me awhile to realize the enormity of the mutilation and sacrilege done to my body. My entire pelvis is assymetrical, with bones in the wrong places. My labia has been trimmed to a little girl's "wee wee", and while I have a clitoris, it is so hidden, that it would take a saint of a partner to ever orgasm. Of course, my ability to orgasm has been reduced to a spasmodic nervous system jerk. It is a good thing I am a lesbian, because I don't think I could even engage in heterosexual intercourse with the mutilated vagina that the Nazis have left me. All around the mons, I feel pressure points of pain--I think implants have been put in there to try to get to me orgasm to the MACHINE. I have deep throbbing pain on both sides of the pelvis--never know when it is going to hit. I can feel it bothering me right now, which is why I am writing this. Then of course, there is the girdle pain that causes me to limp, since my pelvic girdle is no longer an anatomically correct and healthy structure, but a malaligned and mutilated stump of what God originally created. To make matters even worse, I now have nerve pain going down both legs. I have had a bad back for over 15 years, and I NEVER had nerve pain going down my legs. In a way, I guess this had to happen, because one thing I realized for sure, as soon as I noticed the horrible changes done to my genitalia. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS PUSSY. IT IS NOT MINE, AND I WANT IT GONE. I HATE THE WAY IT FEELS, I HATE THE WAY IT LOOKS, I HATE THE WAY IT SMELLS, I HATE THE WAY IT IS ALWAYS WET. You know, I was not happy when I hit puberty, but I got a copy of "Our Women, Our Bodies" and I learned to appreciate that little buddy down there. After I became sexually active, I grew to like it even more. There is nothing left of God's original creation down there. It is just some fucking Nazi's wet dream. So, the goddamned Nazis have made possible what my mind and imagination was reluctant to accept--I want a penis. You know, I have never had penis envy at all (of course I know now that I had an unfair advantage), but now I do. I am disgusted by own female genitalia, and I am starting to imagine myself having a penis and engaging in male sexual activity--clearly, there will be no pleasure, esteem or love associated with the crippled, stunted mutilation which is now nothing but a pee hole. I bought some boxers today. Not only does it feel right, I am not able to wear panties with their elastic band comfortably. You see, the other rotten complication of the Nazi surgery, was that it left me with big, fat thighs, and a teeny pelvic area--thus I have abnormal, deep creases in my inner thighs. I am so wet most of the time, that I want to fucking punch something. I mean it--literally. I hate everything about the goddamned fucking estrogen that i am force fed. So now, I soak completely through my panties (NOT in a state of arousal, okay--just everyday tasks have me walking around like a dripping prostitute), and the wetness hides in the creases, where it turns into a rash. IT IS NOT EVEN SUMMER!!! HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION WHEN I START PERSPIRING IN THE SUMMERTIME? So it is time to wear alternative underwear. At least at home, I can try to wipe off the wet. Buying the boxers was interesting--saw a man with a bulge, and realize that scantily clothed pictures are more provocative than nudity. I have always known that with women. Looking at women's lingerie ads is such a bigger turn on than looking at a nude woman. Anyway, the bulge is not a turn on for me--instead I have to learn to accept that in me. Given the way that I now feel about my genitalia, and the whole, warped feeling of body alignment that comes from having a recessed pelvis and fucked up back curvature, I think I will sooner or later be happy to embrace it. As it is, I walk around, not only feeling uncomfortable with these cow boobs, but now with this Nazi-mangled vagina. MISERABLE MISERABLE MISERABLE @#%*^&#%^&*

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