Saturday, December 3, 2011

I am not getting enough testosterone

I am not getting enough testosterone to read, write or think. I know my recent posts have been spare. My brain literally feels dead most of the time. Partly, I am drugged--probably depakote and maybe something else, but the testosterone deprivation has a big impact. Today, I felt healthy enough to go for a bike ride for the first time in a while, and wondered why i was so brain dead. There was absolutely nothing going through my mind except repeated refrains of "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". I knew psychotropics were involved, but imagine my surprise when an herbal testosterone supplement kickstarted my brain. I didn't bike very far when I had to take the supplements to give me the physical energy to make it back. I was dead physically, mentally and emotionally. I got the physical boost I needed (and that was from an herbal testosterone supplement, but what was really surprising was that my brain started working again--nowhere near peak efficiency--about 70%, but considering that it had been about 30 or 40% before the testosterone, it still was amazing. I hate having a "dead" brain. When I am healthy, my mind teems with ideas and images, and is always thinking of better words that I can use (this is an exercise I have had to to relearn in the last few years, as my vocabulary and verbal skills were greatly diminished by the lithium poisoning). Earlier in the day, I had read an article by Solzynitsyn, and was pleased to encounter well written and rationally presented prose. Very few contemporary writers know how to craft excellent prose--we are always in a hurry to make our point, and that includes me. Whenever I encounter great writing and thinking, though, it always gives me pause, because I know that if I just took a little time, I could write excellent prose as well. However, even as I was reading the essay (link here if you are interested...and remember, English was not even his native language...):, I was frustrated because I could not appreciate the prose as written. A part of my brain could recognize that this was exceptional writing and presentation of thought to be savored, but most of my brain was too dead to actively engage and embrace the fullness of Solzynitsyn's expression. It is like trying to watch an intense, ideas-driven movie when it is late at night and one is half asleep. I can discern just enough to know how much I am lacking. So, I thought to myself, I need to read more Bible, poetry or great literature, and I need to start working again on my verbal and written presentation. However, the brain literally cannot think through ideas, words, and images well without testosterone fuel, and that becomes clear to me, even as I write this. Very frustrating to be so handicapped...time to go watch mindless TV--brain just doesn't have the juice it needs.

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