Einstein said (something like), "the definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result". In my recent post, I lambasted Dr. Psych-bossPOS for his lack of professional judgment--which I laid at the door of a deficient ego. I forgot to mention how stupid he really is--and Einstein does all my argument for me!
As the compassionate cancer woman forewarned me about 5 or 6 years ago, there are bad days and there are good days. However, I have suffered so long from a preponderance of bad days, that I no longer desire to live in this hellish existence with these UNABASHEDLY STUPID mind controllers--rather they are Jesuits, human psychics, or evil aliens, continuing the same abuses over and over again.
I am speaking of the same old psychotropic drugs, and the same old estrogen blasts--both of which make me so sick that I can no longer functional. I am not able to do ANY research on the web--to sick to read or concentrate. I am so severely autistic that I have to drive with my eyes intermittently shutting, because moving objects or anything in the mirror cause me to lose contact with reality--not a good thing when one is driving. Fortunately, I have been doing this for so long, that is is now familiar to me, and I stay off of the freeways, because I know that my autistic driving is dangerous, and if I have an accident I can hope its a fender bender, and if I miss the light signal change because my eyes need to shut to block out any stimuli, I know the worst that will happen is an annoyed honk from behind me.
Then there is the ongoing estrogen blasts--which leave me so sick that I could barely stand. They also have give me the most incredible migraine headaches, and I know that they are the cause, because of the sticky thighs that accompany it, especially when I wake up (most estrogen download occur at night).
My house is a mess, as even pickup of routine items is a challenge in my current condition. I forced myself to wash dishes for the first time in 4 days yesterday (I have learned to try to rinse dishes immediately after use, so that they don't pile up), and it took me over an hour and a half to wash a small half sink full of dishes, between all the rest breaks I needed, when I could no longer hold myself up against the kitchen sink. I still haven't finished--just a couple of wipedowns, and a crock pot to wash--but already I am so sick that I can't even imagine getting to it, today, especially since the high priority items are finding my birth certificate, going to the pharmacy, and the dentist. I don't even know how I am going to do that, because already I am barely functional. On top of that, I can hardly walk. The recent mutilations to my knee has left them in constant pain and weakness, so that I hobble, never sure if I am going to be able to take the next step. However, I desperately need my medication refilled. I have only four Vicodin, and I took my last Fiornal yesterday, and with these sick headaches, I've got to have it. I went yesterday to get it, but the same temp ID that I have been using is "no longer acceptable". Bullshit. It is more mind control games by whichever faction (probably the Jesuits), all trying to get me to lose my temper, so that they can say I am out of control and put me away. YOU STUPID GODDAMNED FUCKS--don't you know I can spot your mind games and psych ops tactics a mile away by now. Well, I didn't get anry. I was too sick to be angry. Now I have to dig in and find my b.c.--hope I can--and go sit for another hour in the waiting room. It doesn't matter to me where I suffer--whether at home or in a pharmacy. I am so miserably ill that I just try to tune out reality wherever I am.
Then there is the constant estrogen and cutting on my body, leaving it weaker, shorter (went shopping yesterday at a familiar, if infrequently visitied store, and found that "Mengele's" boobs now bump into the shopping cart handle!), and drained of nearly all energy. All of this, I suppose, is to get my brain into a frequency which then moves to a "higher" dimension. However, I started thinking about my lost verbal ability and how others can tap it, while I can't. I am thinking that my autism had me born into this higher dimension, and that my challenge was to learn to live in the human 3D dimension. My "neurosis" was that, pre-lithium, my brain could operate on two separate levels, so that 6 years ago, I was probably more naturally primed and ready to move to a higher dimension than I am now. My brain also used to work at MUCH faster speeds. Yes, I "broadcast" my thoughts and chatter all over the place, but I didn't used to. When my brain was healthy, the inner chatter moved at such a speed (I think in the same "higher" dimension that these human psychics are all so smugly proud at possessing) that it the inner dialogue was barely perceptible to even me. In short, these goddamned psych doctors and mind control fascists destroyed an ability that was innately native to me, so that they could force me to obtain the gift, "THEIR WAY".
Incredibly stupid, and also tragic, because "THEIR WAY" has diminished my body, my brain, my productivity and my ability to relate and love, from the previous high levels that I was at before. I realize that, after all these years of abuse and mind control bullshit, if it stopped today, it is going to take a long time before I can trust reality and people again. What my prior high level of agapic love invited, was a facile invitation to abuse and a kind of proprietary "ownership" from people and factions that actually refused to regard or relate to me as a real person, but is some kind of "reality TV fantasy projection". Our society is so hooked into this, and people feel so betrayed when their reality TV fantasy doesn't follow their expected script (and all of these mind control players have been following my move via Webcam for over a dozen years--that in itself, is the most egregious of abuse--and an "observer" never understands reality (in my case, the person), as an active participant. An observer also changes what is observed. They certainly have with me. I am fucking sick and tired of being your goddamned "fantasy saint" lab rat. Fuck you. You changed me allright. Your vision of me disgusts me beyond belief). What I have suffered at the hands of these INCREDIBLY STUPID mind control players--and I include all factions--is beyond belief. However, the abuse hasn't stopped,
Well, "THEIR WAY" may achieve the desired objective--movement into a higher dimesnion, but the goal--being involved with any community or faction that has so seriously abused and betrayed me--will never happen. You think that I will have some conversion experience that will change me, but you are wrong. I want nothing to do with people who abuse others to fit their stereotypes and expectations. I only want to relate to people who understand that every human being is free to choose their own self-identity. Period. I only want people who are psychologically mature enough to openly (and yes, vulnerably) relate to another, not play mind control games to see if they are "worthy enough" or manipulate them into a warped conformty to their "expectations". If you don't like who I am, if you even suspect I am racist, or need to "change me" to meet your expectations of me, guess what? You are not in any kind of RELATE-ionship with me. You are not my family, or friend, my boss, or my lover. Yes, some of you are my children, but even my children are not allowed to relate to me, as a free human being. They are just used as bait to hook me into your mind control communities. Well, unlike my children, I know what it is to be a free human being, and being conditioned into the mentally and spiritually indentured control subject that you call "community acceptance", is a step down for me, not a step up, from racist rapist slavery on Mars. All of the factions involved in the active abuse, violation, and betrayal of me are just psychological, emotional, (and in the case of psychics), mental parasites looking to feed off my energy, my spirit, my thoughts. You have drained me so completely of all life force, without providing ANY kind of support or recompense, so that I am so utterly drained, I can barely drag my own ass through even the simplest of daily tasks. SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND, and JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I don't know if or when I will heal from this mess that is my tortured, disabled brain and body, but I can't spend time writing. Got to get up and take care of the high priority tasks, with the sick and drained energy that I have.