Monday, July 18, 2011

I was so zoned out yesterday

I was so zoned out yesterday that I didn't record my dream that concurred with the luciferian Sirian abduction. I dreamed that they tested me for HIV--which I guess is their way of testing the efficacy of the virus they put in the right hemisphere of my brain. However, that is the second time that I have dreamed of HIV in conjunction with these Sirians (the first time was after they drew my blood (and infected me with more of the virus) in the doctor's office. So I hope that the dream is metaphorical instead of literal, because it would be a real drag if I the patriarchs denied me a romance with an HIV+ woman, only to receive it from the hands of the Sirians. They treat me as a lab rat, so I can only guess what the bastards have done to me (since no medical doctor is free to tell me the truth). Anyway, while at the clinic, I was looking for a doctor that I had seen before (not any doctor that I know). I knew that she had given me a tip about a drug that I needed to take, "Mavro", and I was trying to get further information on it.

When I woke up, the only thing I could turn up with varian spellings of Mavro is an "unremarkable wine" made from a black grape in Cyprus. Its main claim to fame is that the vine's genome is ancient, having survived an intermittent, decades-long fungal attack that laid waste to the rest of Europe's vines. Searching around a little bit, I concluded that this might refer to a very pure form of resveratol, which may heal or repair the issues I have with phospholipids and sulfolipids. These lipids are essential to allow for membrane permeability, and it could be the virus is overwhelming my lipids function, most especially in my brain cells, and thus causing intercellular buildup of fluid, which then creates a whole host of problems, including swelling and inflammation. Just wondering. I was going to try to buy some, to see how it worked, but my abductors may have been beaten me to the punch. I can feel the virus today, and it is addling my brain, but it is not driving me out of my mind with headache pain and rage, or causing the autistic sensory perception problems to the degree that I find it difficult to relate to reality. I am not feeling great or even normal, but I am feeling functional, and have energy (no estrogen today), for the brain and body to click...

The reason I knew that my emotional connection to my mother allowed for the negative Sirians to abduct me was that I was accompanied to the clinic by her and Warren. Anytime, my mom and Warren appear together in my dreams, there is dark occult abduction occurring. In the dream, my ringer finger was nearly halved, which depressed me. Not only is a long ring finger a sign of high testosterone, it also is the ring that denotes creativity and power. I take that symbol to mean that the dark occultic forces want me to be female (certainly my mother does). If so, they reset the same old patriarchal lie of duality, this time, with a twist--it will be a matriarchal lie of duality--in which the female is normative and dominant, and the male is other and submissive. These evil operators wanted to destroy my hermaphroditic wholeness, and make a female from an original hermaphrodite with dominant male energy, just like they perpetuated the scriptural lie of the woman Eve, coming from the originally, pre-sleep-and-removal-of-ribs, hermaphroditic Adam. This is just wrong on every level. Life is created from the feminine principle, and man comes from woman, not the other way around. However this lie, much the same as all lies, creates insecurity and jealousy on the part of both men and women, so that tension and struggle between the genders diminish and deter us from God's original purpose, which is that all individuals be free, whole, and largely androgynous (which is more like the original scripture, "Let us make "man"--or exegetically more accurate in grammar--"human" in Our image--male AND female.

So the miracle of my hermaphroditic status has been destroyed by a group of petty, patriarchal men and women, who felt that they "owned" and "controlled" me, so that the sacred blessing of my existence was destroyed, and now I cannot back to what I was. For the only way that I could maintain a hermaphroditic status, existentially, was to keep my metabolism juvenile. My mind, spirit and personality were not juvenile, and all I ever asked from any of these patriarchs in the dozen-plus years of my slow disintegration was that they RELATE to me, and that they employ me, so that they could see what a mature, solid person I was. But controllers stuck in a dualistic mindset is afraid to RELATE--especially to someone free, for they themselves are mired in the original sin, which is the big fat lies of our origins.

So now, I have to make a choice to be either male OR female. It is a process coming to terms with the fact of such a drastic change, but really there is only one choice. My energy and hormonal functions are masculine, and while it was truly beautiful to see them operating in my female body, that is no longer possible. Because I am not a dualist, I don't have a huge preference for one gender or another. I did as a teenager and young woman, when I desperately wished to be male. However, I accepted "biology as destiny" (wrong again, Patriarch Freud--it is energy or spirit that is destiny...), and came to love my feminine self. As a matter of fact, because of all that I have suffered as a woman (there is NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER in my mind that the abuse that I have suffered as a gay woman, would never have happened if I had been a gay man) AND as a lesbian, makes me want to claim my lesbian woman identity. But the purpose and sign of my life is not to reproach my past tormentors--it is to be fruitful and productive in God's Will. I cannot be fruitful and productive with a dominant female hormonal and energy system. My brain and body is just not wired that way--every single cell is XY, and demands testosterone, lots of it, now that my extended juvenile metabolism has ended my once-happy state as "Puer Aeternus". I am not afraid or ashamed to be the male that I spent my youth so desperately desiring.
For I don't believe the dualistic lies about males and females and the roles they occupy. Even though there is, generally speaking, a difference in emphasis, it is more a matter of Both/And, and not Either/Or. The male function is every bit as essential in the maintenance, protection and furtherance of life, as the female is in being the original matrix and holder of life. A lot of the virtues and purpose of manhood have been under assault, ever since the negative cabal set out in the 20th century, to undermine and ridicule personal and existentially immediate authority, while conflating the abstract authority of functional roles and governments.
So I guess that I will be focusing on life from the "other side" now. However, I still am grief-stricken over my loss, so I imagine this will all take a while. As a matter of fact, that is where this all is right now--my imagination...

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