Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Well, I can tell from rereading this morning's post

Well, I can tell from rereading this morning's post that the drugs I am on are impacting my ability to think and write clearly. I try hard, I really do, but the mental acuity and presence just is not there. The drugs are also affecting my emotions, and had me crying my guts out--except that my guts have been so rigidly constrained by implants, that it literally sent pain sensations through my body to cry. I have learned that this severe depression and crying jags can be cured by taking testosterone, but I was afraid that were tampered with something that would leave me completely incapacitated, and I had to take a shower, since I am going to physical therapy first thing in the morning. The T tabs and other anti-estrogen herbals (milk thistle and nettle) helped, until I got a good look at what the most recent mutilations to my body are. I had noticed that the shorts I wore last week were a good 1-2 inches longer on my leg--in other words, I had lost 1-2 inches in my thighs. So I looked at them, and was shocked at the excessive fat hanging from there. I lifted up the back of my thigh, and saw a huge scooped depression where muscle had once been. I felt for my hammies--nothing there! The damned abductors/torturers had shaved off over an inch from my thigh, cutting out all the definition and strength of muscle and leaving nothing but even more fat (because of course, the flesh, losing its vertical space, broadens out in even fatter spread with the mutilated stump that is left. I can honestly say that I have never seen such fat thighs in my life as I carry now. All of this is so very depressing, it is beyond further description. There is nothing I can do about any of this. All I can do is try to plug on. My only hope is in God. Either He will heal me or take me home, but I know that I will never cooperate with Salusa, nor have I any interest in being part of any psychic community. Not my kind of people. In the meantime, I deal with the constant dry migraine that makes reality and stimuli painful, the loss of any feeling function for anything, and the physical pain that comes from having extreme pressure on my sacrum (can't walk but only hobble), and my knees. Funny thing about my knees. I used to tell myself that the only part of my body that I could touch and recognize as belonging to me were my knees. Fuckers even took that from me--scooping out a huge cavity in both knees. PT will be interesting tomorrow. I fully expect it to be just another psych ops run by psychics without manhood to relate to me honestly. Uunfortunately for them, my patience for psych ops is completely exhausted, and I can spot them a mile away...

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