Sunday, July 17, 2011

Regression.

Regression. I do believe that I was abducted last night by the negative Sirians, and I think I know why. Succinctly put, it is because of my emotional connection to my mother. I woke up again with a lump on my head, and some kind of implant near my heart that is physically pressing. From what I can tell, the negative Sirians hope to constrict the heart, probably because it is the center of deep feeling, and while they do not mind a superficial emotional life in their cybernetic human slaves, all deep feeling must be squelched. That has not happened to me, yet, or I would never have been hooked by my emotional connection to my mother.

You see, these luciferian Sirians (devotees of the Machine-RA), are master psychologists. The MACHINE loves to accumulate data about human feelings, responses and behaviors, so that IT can predict a human response in any given situation. Another word for this is control, and yes, even human beings practice it to some extent. This is why I am so frustrated with people and players who play mind games and act out psych ops scenarios with me, rather than relating to me from the engagement of direct reality. This is a perpetuation of the tactics and strengths of the MACHINE, and not the free movement, response, and play of a soul honestly open to, and trusting in, the providence of Almighty God or respecting the free will of individuals.

I was watching "Battlestar Galactica" last night, and was stunned by the complexity and perspicacity of the Machine's psychological insights. This is not a mystical or awesome gift; it is the result of massive amounts of data downloaded into the Machine's memory banks, and collectively accessed by individual drones, which is why Facebook and other social networking sites are so harmful. Those are motherlodes of data information from which MACHINE-RA can pull, analyze and use to predict, and thus, CONTROL us humans. If I were a computer genius, I would come up with a program that would completely stymie MACHINE-RA's calculations--you know, create dozens of profiles with data like "I am a health food nut and my favorite food is Chicken McNuggets" or "I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and am looking to meet like-minded Christians of any gender, open to mutually consensual, no-strings-attached, S&M play. I will respect your boundaries." But while, intellectually, I can come up with creative ways to thwart RA's MO, I still get hooked by the same mechanism of emotional manipulation.

RA has figured out that my emotional weakness is my relationship with my mother, and IT is able to play that against me, because, tragically, my mother has been fully co-opted by evil. I could go into a detailed account, but I have decided that dwelling on these matters only makes me prey to RA's manipulations, so I will be brief. My mother married a Freemason Satanist, whose family has been involved in satanic activity for generations, I do believe. None of us children really liked him, especially, after he carried on a relationship with my mother, while he was married to another woman for five years. Remembering dreams that I had at the time, I think that the erosion of my mother's good nature began with that relationship, and it escalated dramatically, once I came under the radar of occult evil. For of course, they knew of Warren's ties to satanism, and they actively set out to steal my mother's soul, as a mechanism to wield power over me. I don't know how long it took them, but I know that my mother has been cooperating with them for years, and that three or four years ago, I recognized clear evil in her eyes towards me--all under the guise of solicitude.

That is the most insidious abuse done by evil. It is intertwined with acts of supposed love and kindness, and since she was my mother, the masquerade worked, although I eventually realized that she was engaged in occult rituals to sacrifice me to Satan, going so far as to call me on the morning after my castration, with triumph and joy in her voice. I was so choked up on tears that I couldn't even talk, but my mother was completely oblivious to my pain and suffering, as she has been for years. However, she was never an affectionate or demonstrative mother, and I kept remembering small acts of maternal concern and kindness done for me over the years, and so I have agonized over how to relate and respond to her.

About two weeks ago, I decided that it was best to "close off" all deep feeling regarding her despite the fact that I still love her (despite all the evil she has perpetuated upon me, I cannot hate her). A couple of nights later, I dreamed that I kissed her on the cheek good-bye, and shook hands of farewell with her husband (!). I think I may have been in some astral communion, for I remembered her smell. I want to say that it was the smell of death (and the extent of the evil to which she has succumbed, certainly entails death), but it could also have been the smell of evil and corruption. Yes, people deeply possessed by an evil spirit have the most malodorous odor imaginable. I have smelled it several times in my life.

However, I wasn't ready to proclaim and "own" this decision, and yesterday, I indulged in a melancholy of memory and regret for my lost mother. I "prayed" (uh oh, I have been working on more subtly intended prayers, rather than transcendentally directed ones, onto which Lucifer or Satan can grab and feed, but yesterday I lapsed), that somehow, I could do something to help save my mother from the evil into which she has fallen. My spiritual anguish and most heartfelt of intentions were answered by yet another successful abduction of myself, by the powers of evil--the luciferian Sirians. For my mother is so far gone in the service of evil, that any attempt on my part to emotionally connect with her, even through prayer or spirit, can be used as a weapon to snare me, by the satanic lord that she now worships. As I have mentioned before, the "old school" satanists have joined in alliance with the luciferian devotees of RA, so that my mother is actually doing double duty--serving both Satan and Lucifer.

So, I have to act to save myself, which means that I need to vigorously accept and affirm my original decision--to close myself off from any deep feeling regarding my mother. Maybe someday this will change, but most certainly not now, when I cannot control these violating abductions, and the entire battle of the cosmos is at such fever pitch. For every time that I am abducted by these negative Sirians, they take another chunk out of my self-confidence and efficacy--not to mention, the physical drain they take on me. So there will be no more melancholia, no more prayers, no more mental lyrics from John Lennon's "Pain" album about his mother, going through my head. There will be no "sitting shiva" or going off to the woods to pray in some private ritual. For that matter, I will avoid any interior conversations about it, because it was my "inner voice" grim prognosis of lack of hope for my mother's conversion, that led to the melancholia in the first place.

When I lost the appearance of female breasts, because my pec muscles were cut out, leaving me with the small deflated man boobs of the eunuch that the satanists have created out of God's singular hermaphroditic state that was my life for 48 years, I turned around all the family pictures on the mantle in my living room. It was not a rejection of my family, just a grief-stricken response to the fact that I had been robbed of my "adopted" self-identity as a woman. The person that was "me" in those pictures taken with family no longer existed, and certainly I, with the long torso, broad chest and shoulders, and happy carefree grin, seen in those pictures no longer exist either.

My mother's actions have effectively cut me from the family (unless I keep wishing to be grievously abused, which I do not), and my brothers do not have the emotional or intellectual ability to understand what I am experiencing. Given their natures and obligations, it is best that they never delve into the occult reality which has been forced upon me. So I am orphaned, not only from my previous self-identity, but from any familial ties or expectations. Yes, the religious and psychic communities have laid claimed to me, but after years of abuse, I no longer have any desire or interest in the former, and am deeply suspicious of the latter.

However, I don't even spend much time thinking about where my future lies. I am trying to decide if I will experience the future as a man or as a woman. I can no longer go back to the successful self-identity as an ontological hermaphrodite, and existential intersexed woman, that I worked so hard to forge and develop, just to have it all brutally derided and stripped from me in my nighttime sleep. I am truly miserable in this woman's body. I hate it. However, life as a man would be a radical change that I cannot imagine (though could it feel worse than I feel right now?). I kept warning everybody who would listen, "you are going to kill the goose that lays the golden egg", and in their avarice to own me to their satisfaction, that is what they have done. Now, the plucked bird has to figure out which feathers to adopt. No matter what, I cannot imagine the life of energy and joy that I once knew. Certainly, the psychics who go around talking about higher dimensions, blah, blah, blah, do not seem to me to have the life and vitality of an even average spirit-filled Christian. Maybe life and vitality are permanent losses from my life as well. Certainly, it will never happen as long as I am in a fat, sluggish, autistic female body. In a male body? I don't know. I don't know the options and possibilities, because no one will relate honestly to me. I don't get an explanation of red pill or blue pill. Hell, I don't even get the come on from the hot babe with a white rabbit on her shoulder, or intriguing messages in my ear at a techno-rock bar.

I am tired of having to figure everything out myself. It is laborious, time-consuming, and inefficient, but it still beats being lied to, which for years, has been the only other option. Only the characters have changed--the lies, manipulation, and mind-control games and techniques remain the same.

As I write this, I am very depressed and low energy. I am sure part of it is all the fucking estrogen. I have to take testosterone just to keep from falling asleep and to digest my food. However, I am sure I am on some psychotropic. It may be fucking lithium again. I also have the sore throat I get when my parathyroid is stressed--usually results from high thyroid meds. However, high thyroid meds fill me with energy, and I am so low energy that I can barely get up and move.
Still the mind can think, and the will can resolve, and so I have.

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