I figured out the source of malaise

I figured out the source of malaise--I am on fucking lithium again. No wonder the brain has been dead, I have so anti-social, miserable, and struggling just to get through life. It is not as severely disabling as before, but it still has me walking about in a near zombie state (also explains the bedtime brain rushes too). Anyhow, I figured out what was wrong with me by accident. I felt so fucked up that I decided I would feel better knocked out on alcohol than alive and waking. So I poured myself a half dozen shots in some lemonade, and instead of getting druggy and sleepy, I felt better, more alive, alert, and present to reality, than I had felt in days. I surprised myself by watching a Simon & Garfunkel show on TV, and I could actually feel and ENJOY the music, something that I haven't been able to do for days. Then I realized that yes indeed, my brain, was starting to work again, something it hasnt been able to do for a while. I have to say, that it felt really good to be a human being again. I was wondering if I would ever be able to do so again. Yes, it is possible--I just have to become an alcoholic. Oh well, I would rather be an alive, functioning, and happy alcoholic, than a dead, barely functional, severely autistic zombie....