I have spent much of the previous 2 days sleeping--probably because I am experiencing such heavy viral download and frequency shifts, in order to get me to break the astral plane barrier. It is not working, but is only making me sleepy and even greatly depressed. It also makes it very difficult to concentrate on anything at all, so that instead, I get stuck in obsessive compulsive games of solitaire (you would think I would learn something different, but that would take energy and initiative, which I don't have), or watch TV, and of course, sleep, sleep, sleep.
Testosterone helps to energize me a little bit, but I need massive amounts for it to work. I took 8 T-tabs in an one hour period earlier today, but I was bike riding, and desperately needed the boost to get back home. I would need about 20X that amount in order to attain my normal high energy levels.
So, why isn't this happening? As far as I can tell, the Good Guys are in high ascendancy, and yesterday's dinner finally provided me with reassurance that somewhere there is a more mature psychic community than what I have experienced during the past few years. It is also diverse, with Blacks and Whites, working together, instead of the polarized factions that I am accustomed to experiencing. But how diverse are they? Are they diverse enough to accept the civil right of a person to be lesbian, or are they strictly heterosexual? I don't know, and really that is a secondary consideration to me, because I am certain that I will transition into the body phenotype of a male gender, to match my own self-understanding and hormonal and (invisible, of course) energetic self. So, ironically enough, my sexual orientation of attraction to females, will no longer be a problem, as I intend to keep the same respectful and monogamous values that I always have maintained.
Still, it is important to me, that anyone with whom I am in more collegial alliance, respects the life choices and rights of gay and lesbian people. I am proud to call myself a lesbian, and I profoundly resent that there is anything wrong, immoral, or deficient about my sexual orientation. There was not, and there is not. It is the thought of this hateful homophobia and the egregiously violating sexism that I experienced these past few years that have left me depressed. I keep wondering why I tried so hard for so many years to develop a feminine personality, when it was all stripped from me in my sleep, and it IS stripped--I was never really a woman, but only pretended to be one, and my dreams told me that, which of course, burdened my guilt-prone soul with even more guilt. I no longer have the ability or desire to pretend (for one thing, the high emotional energy of the juvenile is gone--and I really do not have the emotional character of the feminine at all). However, I am disheartened at the thought of another change, because developing a male personality will be a challenge to, and I can't help but wonder if somewhere, someone or some being, can't wait to destroy that effort, too. I gave my very best effort to develop a feminine personality, and quite obviously, it wasn't good enough, because no matter what, I could never get patriarchal males to respect my being and choices. This failure makes the thought of another major personality transition very daunting.
However, I tell myself to get over the pain that people who, subconsciously I trusted, rejected my repeated conscious protestations and clearly stated emotional trauma and pain, and systematically and slowly dismantled the body of which I was once so proud, and loved fiercely. I try to tell myself, that maybe it had to be done, that I would never accept such a seismic gender change, if I were still in a body that felt good, natural, and comfortable to me. My understanding is not complete, but I intuitively sense that it is very important that I become a body-phenotype man (funny thing, I already think of myself, in my own psychic self-awareness as a man; it's just that I am so used to people relating to me as a woman--right down to being constantly abused and having my voice and life choices completely overruled). If I could just wake up enough to sit and ponder the felt necessity for such a change, I would be able to accept it with greater emphatic and unified force, but instead, I just keep walking around half asleep (including now--this post may make sense, but I can barely keep my eyes open).
Then of course, there is that evil spirit of deception that continues to lurk within me, and has gotten me into so much trouble in the past. What if that evil spirit of deception is the result of a deal I made to adopt and accept a feminine personality in the first place (but if I hadn't, I would be walking around in a state of permanent rage and alienation, because I made that deal, in order to get along better in society, instead of being angry all the time at people's conscious and unconscious expectations of me). Strictly speaking, I wasn't living a complete lie, but I was acting out of a "persona" (from the original Greek meaning "mask"), that really did not jive with my innermost being, which is probably why I dream so much of self-referential figures as doubles. I also had a lot of anxiety that no one discover the hidden secret that I knew.
All of this is in the past now, except the evil spirit still lingers around, and the dream that I just had this afternoon told me that. I dreamed that I was going into my home, except that it was a fourplex instead of a duplex (how interesting, now my doubled sense of reference is quadrupled!). Because it was a fourplex, I wasn't sure if I lived there or if I were moving out. There was a sign on the tree in the yard, and I thought that I was moving out, and the landlady (my current landlady) was advertising for new tenants, but then I read the sign, and it listed in capital block letters, "WHITE" "MALE" "CITIZEN". There was another listing that I cannot remember, and a number 277 with a superscript (like an exponent number) of 9. In my dream, I didn't recognize that the sign referred to me, and thought, "damned, is my landlady soliciting tenants based on race and gender?--that's against the law). So in my dream, I thought the sign referred to a solicitation to a new tenant for the lower left apt, which I knew was vacant. I had some people following me, trying to help me (move out, I thought), and I climbed some narrow stairs to my upper apt. I was carrying a lot of new clothes bags, and I left them on the stairs in my haste to get to the top, which was sunlit and warm, with wooden floors (see, maybe I was moving into a new place). Anyway, from the top, I looked down the stairs and could see a big cockroach on top of my clothes bag. I thought, "oh no, problems with bugs", but then one of the men helping me move, took his foot and squashed it. I thought, "I hope he didn't smear it all over the bags".
Now, this is actually the second part of the dream (but what I remembered as first), but I will interpret it. I do believe that I AM moving into a new place though I still have the same landlady. It is a nice place and I like it, though it feels small, narrow and a little cramped to me. However, I never really saw the new apt really--I could just see the beautiful sunlight streaming in. I find it interesting that the lower left apt is vacant. I think the lower left part of my brain is what the RA Sirians tried so hard to program with the virus and implants, but they couldn't. That is the part of the brain, which in normal humans, has to do with language skills, and I think that part of my brain never developed due to autism. Instead, I acquired language skills in a brain bypass, that I am not sure I understand myself. I am not positive to what this lower left refers to, but it is vacant, at least right now, in me. In my dreams, cockroaches always appear when I am on a new regimen of psychotropic drugs. Always. So much so, that dreaming of cockroaches is a sure fire indicator to me that I am being drugged. Usually, I see multiple roaches instead of one, and the home I am in, is always run down and dilapidated, so there are differences, and the cockroach didn't last long, though in my dream, I knew the place would have to be sprayed, because cockroaches, like demons, are "legion".
Overall, the second part of the dream was positive. It is the first part that is disturbing. I dreamed that I went to complain about a pizza that I had ordered making me sick, and that I wanted my money back. In my dream, the food had made me sick twice. At first, I spoke with a bearded young man, and I told him that driving around on Juan Tabo, I had stopped at his place on two separate occasions and both times, the pizza I had bought there, had made me sick. The young man wasn't interested in talking to me, and people kept coming in and ordering, so there was no continuity of conversation. So then the owner of the place came out to talk to me, and he was the spitting image of Maurice Strong! In my dream, it wasn't that I recognized him as Strong, but rather I couldn't believe how closely he resembled him. However, in the dream, it was very clear to me that this man was a hard-core, powerful satanist. So, I told myself, "no justice here, cut your losses and get out". Still, I had to vent my anger, so I told the man that I would write to Better Business Bureau and the local newspaper to express my highly negative experience. He just smiled and looked at the oblong plaque on the wall that I assumed said "Better Business Bureau", but instead it said, "The Bilderberger Society!!
Anybody reading this post should know what the Bilderbergers are--a corrupt, powerful organization, which attempts to control the future as planned by a small, secretive cabal, fronted by a large organization of high ranking thinkers, executives and government officials. It is the secretive and yes, occult and evil, cabal, however that does the real damage, and has the real hatred for God, humanity, and the future. So what are the two occasions referring to?
I know that the Bilderbergers are heavily involved in Bohemian Grove, and that on July 21 (the vigil of Mary Magdalen), on the exact night that I was castrated, that they had a major ritual sacrifice (a year ago, I was the sacrifice). The second time could refer to my belief that the patriarchs of the Spiritual Life Institute turned to their patron, Strong, for help in controlling me, when it looked like I was about to burst free, due to my successful employment with AOL, as well as my head finally being cleared of vocation nonsense, after falling in love with Augusta. I think that Strong turned to his good friend, Ted Turner, (who, to his credit is not evil, but just VERY spiritually immature, which leads to poor judgments--regarding people's live, not business decisions) for more practical assistance, and thus began my spiraling descent of loss of freedom. (However, remember that the sign on the fourplex said, "CITIZEN", not subject, and I take that to mean, that once again, I have my individual sovereignty restored to me).
Anyway, the reason I got the pizza was because I was travelling on Juan Tabo, which is a street that is in the part of town I am comfortable driving and shopping, but really wouldn't want to live there. It is the more exclusive, monocramatic (White) and upper income part of town, and I like the colorful diversity of the downtown and Valley areas. Looking up, I see Tabo refers to a famous Buddhist monastery. Now, while Strong is a satanist, I believe that he claims Buddhism as his religion. I know for a fact that his wife is a strong and vocal supporter of Buddhism. Now, I have great respect for Buddhism as a religion, but ultimately, it suffers from the same patriarchal and mind control elements as all the other religions, including my native Christianity does, and I reject all of that. It is time for "new wineskins", and I don't know for sure what that means, but I know for sure that the old ways are not going to work anymore (oh, did I forget to mention that I think the Jesuits are very strongly involved with the occult Bilderbergers?)
With my weight gain, which I know is a result of excessive estrogen, I have been thinking of the Buddha, and I have been wondering if he was so fat was because he was a eunuch. As a vegetarian monk, he wouldn't have eaten much, and the story is that he went through drastic spiritual disciplines as a young monk in order to achieve enlightenment. Did he castrate himself? Very likely, I think. So is that what has the Bilderbergers (especially the Jesuits), and (Buddhist) Maurice Strong so excited? Are they salivating over another eunuch avatar to further just another variant of their mind control religion? Well, if so, they won't get it from me. I know that the occult cabal of the Bilderbergers still have a lot of power, and I can't sue them to recoup my losses (and my God, what losses), but I am going to get as far away as I can. And if I am still talking religion in my sleep, be assured that evil, occult rituals by powerful satanists, are behind it. As dragged down as evil as I am, I don't know how I have survived, but I have--now I just got to break free...
PS--just a quick note confirming my suspicions as outlined in this above post. While writing this, I have noticed a lot of activity from my Lemurian psychic neigbors--the ones who are evil, and who tampered with the health store product, and who most recently made me sick at McDonalds (the psychic had a small, lean body like Asians, and was wearing large wraparound sunglasses to, I think, hide his Mongoloid eyes). What this is confirming to me is that this element of Lemurian psychics ARE very involved with Maurice Strong, and instead of a Christian avatar, are looking for a new Buddhist (Asian) avatar. PFFTTTTT!!! Everybody wants to control me. Sorry, I may be a fat eunuch, but I am not no Buddha, nor do I have any desire or vocation to be one. More patriarchal mind control religion bullshit all designed to cripple, handicap and stunt people. I haven't survived this hell you have helped put me through, just to fall into that trap...