Sunday, July 3, 2011

Worried.

Worried. so sick all day that i literally could not even do my little walk up and down the alley. legs just wont move. however, the tmj and increasing vertigo have me really worried. i can always pray for the day that i am a free human being again (I was going to write "woman" but i will never be a woman again. i never was one except by conscious choice--after the years of abuse i have suffered at the hands of patriarchal men who think they own women and can do with their bodies what they will, i will never choose to be a woman again. I am a queer, pure and simple--no longer a beautiful queer, just a freak queer). anyway, one day i hope to be free of these psychotropics, and slowly try to reclaim a mutilated, chopped up, truncated carcass that is left of the once voluminous and spacious tent that houses my soul. however, it is the structural mechanical changes that worry me, and i am afraid that all this excess fluid on my brain stem is causing the constant vertigo. miserable, especially when already i am so sick that i can barely move. i get dizzy, just turning my head, looking up, looking down, doing the halting lame trick that is walking for me. my belly is messed up too. it feels like there is some large obstruction in there. makes me wonder who abducted me last nite--F1 or F2--i guess F2 is still doing its abusive machinations on me without my will. i tell myself that my life isnt worth the loss of an entire planet. but others are treated by f2 as free human beings, while i am not. it being the fourth of july and all, i guess i am just nostalgic for the first thirty eight years of my life, when i still experienced life as a free human being, free to choose life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Now, I have a multitude playing God with my life, hemming in my every move, and causing pain and suffering to my body and psyche.

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