Monday, August 1, 2011

My conviction

My conviction that I am doing the right and authentic actions, and being true to myself remains strong. Yet, I am suffering from the low energy and handicapped brain function caused by excess estrogen. I had so much estrogen in me this morning that I had to pop T tabs, just to be able to make sense of my "morning newspaper"--the MSM lightweight articles. But even with a lot of testosterone in me, I cannot shake off the debilitating effects of estrogen. I have so much information in my head, but I am running on 2 cylinders, not 8, and I don't have the energy and stamina to make creative connections and insights. It is incredible to me that any moron would think that I am capable of functioning as a hormonal female. Oh, and I forgot the autism that it causes, too. Today, I was freaking out as I rode my bike downtown. I literally was overwhelmed by the sheer number of people, cars, and noise. I have biked and walked downtown many times, and never have I been that autistic.

Once again, they are messing with the implanted meds I am given. After days of no thyroid meds (which is why my stomach was so messed up with indigestion), they started it back again. I know because I feel the stress in my right throat. I really don't have a thyroid problem. The cabal's cockroach doctors give it to me as a way of keeping me functioning without giving me the requisite level of testostorone that I need, just to be functional. It doesn't work, but they have me so wired into estrogen that I cannot even get the boost my body and brain desperately craves from synthetic testosterone supplementation. I also worry that the excess thyroid hormones are causing my parathyroid to work extra hard, and I already have a problem with that. My left parathyroid is dead, though the doctors won't/can't admit it. If I lose my right parathyroid, I will be in deep trouble, because it is crucial for calcium regulation. As a matter of fact, I worry if all the extra work is causing some kind of adenomal (sp) enlarging. The parathyroid is a difficult organ to work with, and I only have one set left....I am sure that I lost the left set as an autoimmune response to the alien virus. I also am wondering if the PIB's pulled my vitamin B12, for I am having the symptoms of B12 deficiency--tummyache, no appetite, but am "blood sugar hungry", etc. It is possible, however, that these symptoms are caused by some psychotropic. I hope so, for it is very disheartening to be so brain dead and mind wiped.

There is a lot going on, and a lot of information that I need to work through, but I literally cannot think. Maybe tomorrow things will be clearer. I seem to start out with the greatest level of energy in the morning (and it ain't much, baby), and just dwindle down to absolutely nothing. This goes counter to my own creative cycle--I am a night thinker, but all I can do now is go to bed, and hope tomorrow is better than today.

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