Second day in a row I have awakened feeling incredibly alienated from, and hating this female body that the goddamned aliens have forced upon me through mutilation. I feel it the very second I wake up, and once again, I am afraid that master manipulators are accessing a very immature aspect of a conflicted intersexed being while in my unconscious state (sleep), while in my conscious state I am constantly reminded of how miserable I am in this current body. I cannot stand the goddamned boobs they forced on my chest. I constantly want to get my shoulders in their natural position, and most of all, I miss the energy that used to flow through my body when the lower back was all there. Yesterday, for a brief period, the virus left me, and I realized that I was walking like a gay man! That is, I was walking like a man who subconsciously mimics female actions. I never walked like that before. I used to have a natural, masculine stride, full of energy and vigor, but it is hard to have an energetic stride when over half of one's musculature, including crucial and integral back and pelvic muscles have been cut out. A male's energy comes from the sacral energy, and I am a male, so now my energetic flow has been completely disrupted and excised from my body. They can force a female body on me, but I will never be a female. I will never have power and strength and energy source coming from my core--even if they put an implant to try to force it. So all Salusa and the Sirians have done is to completely handicap me permanently even further, so that I can never live a natural, energetic, happy life. Instead, every day, I have to deal with this constant, miserable body that I am in, feeling these goddamned articifial boobs, all the muscleless body in my legs and pelvic area, and the goddamned smooth skin that makes my skin crawl, every time I feel it (which makes it kinda hard to wipe my ass--everytime I do, I am reminded that my body is not what God gave me, but some goddamned aliens, and I HATE THE WAY IT FEELS! I feel like a fucking porno film star with artificial female ass, instead of my strong muscular one).
Anyway, I bring this all up, because last night I dreamed that once again, the Sirians are deciding my future without my input. I don't give a fuck. I have no desire to ever meet their expectations of me. I have to spend my life inhabiting a body that is positively hateful to me, taking testosterone within the first hour of awakening, and popping them, every time I get so low energy I can barely function or even think.