Sunday, August 21, 2011

Depressed and raging

Depressed and raging at the fucked up life I live with this alien virus slowly destroying me. I had to take 9 testosterone tabs within the first four hours of waking this morning--just to function. The high levels of estrogen had me so depressed I could barely move. Now that it is night time and the elevated levels of both estrogen and testosterone are kicking in, I am overwhelmed with mucous in my mouth, throat and nose. I just finished talking to my mom on the phone and could barely talk because I kept biting my tongue, a result of all the cranial-facial manipulations.

Worst of all, I REALIZED THAT I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO WALK PROPERLY. Actually, this has been going on for some time, as little by little, I have lost all ability to exercise. I thought that the virus was giving me Parkinsonian symptoms and even went to see a neurologist about 4 or 5 years ago when I was told in a dream that I had Parkinson's. She was completely dismissive (no doubt informed by the Nazis who were responsible for giving me the virus in the first place), but the Parkinsonian symptoms have become more and more pronounced. As long as I could exercise, I could keep some of the muscle severe spasticity and "Lock" in check, but after much of my lower back and lat muscles were removed, and my pelvis inverted into an unnatural position, I lost even the ability to do yoga. The body just became completely unresponsive, to the point that I went from doing yoga three times a week to being unable to hold a down dog position for even 30 seconds, and find it impossible to lift the leg forward to a lunge. It was yoga that was keeping the bad back from getting worse, and now after a year of physical inactivity, my entire lower back was dead.

You see, I am autistic, and I have problems with the protein that transports glutamate. Glutamate is a byproduct of the viral download, and it is poison to my body which is why I shake my head--I am trying to get rid of the glutamate. Well, this excesive glutamate is destroying and atrophying my muscles, and has been doing so, ever since the goddamned aliens put the virus in me in the California desert. My technical diagnosis is probably ALS, which is why I suffer these muscle spasms, why my lower back is now completely dead, why I am starving for protein all the time, and now, why I can no longer walk. When the download hits, I become severely spastic, but the worst part is that slowly my motor neurons have been dying, and this slow death has accelerated rapidly in the last year, as my body was locked into an unnatural, warped musculature, that surgically excised the strongest, healthiest muscles I had, and totally disrupted my body's natural energy flow.

So now, within a year, I expect to be in a wheelchair, but I have got big titties for all the boys who want Isis-mummy (aka Virgin Mary) spiritual pap! I am furious because at every step of the way I have railed and spent literally thousands of dollars, trying to tell these bastards what is wrong. I even told a neurologist what was wrong, but because I was in a female body at the hands of a bunch of patriarchs, my word was nothing. My own soverignty over my own body was meaningless. My suffering and increasing debility was irrelevant--they knew who I was (according to how they "saw" me) and what they wanted from me, and all data, evidence, and reams of personal witness (as in this blog) to the contrary was irrelevant.

Now my body is truly fucked. I will never be healthy in this body again as long as I live. I can't even bear to look at or feel it--with splindly, little arms, and fat, flabby, muscle-legs. I can no longer even feel my legs. I can feel nerve pain in n my lower back, but all the neurons surrounding it are dead. Yet the virus still keeps pouring on--even though I guarantee you that I will never astral travel on it, but that it is just destroying me bit by bit.

I don't want to be a brain in an atrophied body. I LOVE being physical, working out hard, doing yoga, feeling energy, strength and power coursing through my body. Right now, it doesn't look as if my body will ever experience that again. I guess I could count my blessings. I can still hobble to the bathroom, but I better go to the doctor--at this rate, I expect I will be paralyzed within 6 months...

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