Alan Turing

Alan Turing was a gay man who, as a brilliant mathematician, was instrumental in breaking the German code in WWII. For his inestimably great service to his country, he was hounded to suicide, after being chemically castrated by large amounts of estrogen, to reduce his "unacceptable" libido. I was rereading that last night, and while I didn't get the emotional "ping" I usually get when my intuition was true, still the story rang true to me. When I woke up this morning, and felt, for the first time ever in my life, the excessive mucous on my tongue, which upon inspection was covered with a furry white down, I knew that indeed, Turing's fate is mine. I am being chemically castrated with massive amounts of estrogen. I occasionally think of blowing my head off with a double barreled shotgun or slicing my arms wide open, but overall, I know that I have the spiritual resources to cope with my chemical castration (the physical castration wasn't enough for the PIB's). Still, it is tough. As I mentioned in the last post, I have lost my ability to think deeply, to work on hypothesis in a sustained fashion via my imaginative faculty. As a matter of fact, my mind feels like an empty, blank slate. Now religious types laud the empty mind as opening up for the numinous experience of the divine, but I spent years cultivating that empty "no-mind" contemplative state, and I can tell you that this is far different. It is barren and sterile, and well, blank, with no cognitive or emotional content (even in the cultivation of "no-mind" you have the desire to experience union with God, or a feeling of peace, completion and fullness if you do). As a matter of fact, what the development of a contemplative life gives you is the ability to think deeper and more meaningfully, and experience emotions in an ever more intensely responsive manner. When healthy, my ability to think constantly and with rapid-fire imagination, as well as move from one emotional state to another in response to that rapid-fire imagination, is predicated upon a deep spiritual center built through years of contemplative (holy, in touch with God), "no-mind" practice. That is why my intellect is creative, and my love (as evinced through prayer) bears fruit (lets not pretend that I don't know the impact I have and the healing that I have done). But, as I said, (and boy, this is bad, but I can't even keep a train of thought from what I said earlier in the paragraph), a true contemplative stance requires desire (which is why I named my blog "reclaiming sexuality and spirit"), the same desire or libido which the luciferian PIB's now want to crush with chemical castration. I am not a woman, every cell in my body and brain is male, and I can tell the immediate difference that testosterone makes in my being--and now I am being deprived of it. I tell myself that I will get testosteron shots when I can, but right now that is a long way away (wow, again, I lost track of my thoughts--the chemical castration is not only killing my libido, it is completely undermining my ability to think). Anyway, the bottom line is that there is no spiritual life, there is no deep love, without libido. It is that libido, holy (and sexual) desire, that energy that sparks my ability to creatively transform the reality around me through holy energy. And guess what? That has absolutely nothing to do with DNA changes that makes one more psychic. All of these psychics that I encounter on a daily basis--none of them have spiritual love. They have an ersatz receptivity that allows them to get into someone's mind without permission, but they are totally incapable of relating to that person. I will give an example, since my brain is not thinking logically. There is a Black liberation cell fighting the Aryans, and trying to save their race from future slavery. From what I have experienced of them, their prospects are unfortunately grim. For while they have psychic abilities, there is no emotional or spiritual maturity to go with it. (Oh and by the way, the while luciferian psychics are even worse). For them psi abilities are a weapon, not a gift, and this (and their patriarchal value system which I have already lived and suffered through, and COMPLETELY REJECT), leads them to offend and violate my inner, private sanctum, instead of respect and relate. When I lash back psychically, they cluck cluck, and fall back on the huge psychological crutch that has left the black population psychologically crippled, "She's a racist. It's because I'm black." No, it is not--it is because your approach is deeply offensive and violating, especially when you use my mind while not doing one damn thing to save me from the ravages of true slavery. I've got more manhood in my little finger...well never mind). But that is okay. I have made my peace with that, and agree to limited tactical alliance. But to illustrate my point about love. A psychic Black mind is present at the front desk at the community center where I work out (nothing personal--I try to think positive, and assume he is there to make sure I don't get stabbed to death or kidnapped by rogue security forces, whatever). As I was walking out from my pathetic, hateful (no energy, no joy) workout, I saw that he was very angry with a young Black youth, who along with his Hispanic pal were staring through the glass wall at the people working out. Well, I knew exactly what was going on. The youthful pair were playing juvenile delinquent, male domination bullying and territorial games. They were giving hate stares to someone working out, trying to intimidate. Well the Black psychic knew this and was angry, and rightfully so. But he WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Now, I will give kudos to the psychic for at least recognizing that this kind of behavior is a real problem, and I know from experience, that left unchecked, it will develop into a character disorder and criminality. There are a lot of stupid white liberals and racist Black people who would be totally oblivious to the fact that this young man has a real problem (the Hispanic youth was just tagging along; the real hater was the Black youth). But receptive knowledge of the psychic kind without the proactive force of love is next to worthless! Now, if I were healthy, if I had libido, I would have walked by the two, and at least said, "Hi, how you doing?" and if possible, try to engage them a little further to address their sense of alienation and powerlessness that leads them to engage in bullying behavior. I would compliment them on their youthful physiques and ask why don't you workout instead of looking at everyone else sweat. Because I am in a female body, I would have to be very soft and oblique in my approach. But that psychic Black man is about 6'7" and 280 pounds. He has a whole range of options open to him. But while he has psychic knowledge, he has no spiritual love, and he is not really a bad guy. It's just that he, like all the other psychics I encounter, has no spiritual depth.

Sadly for me, I no longer am capable of proactive spiritual love either. The chemical castration has resulted in such a huge loss of libido and energy, I have no proactive love for anybody. I am sorry young teenagers that I wasn't even able to give you a nod of the head. Believe me, you have no idea of how fucked up I really am. Oh, and by the way, if there is no libido, there is no relationship with God either. I am just in a sterile, miserable state of being. Too dispirited and castrated to care.

Oh, by the way, forgot to follow up on my inability to "emotionally ping" thoughts and ideas. I no longer am able to hold a thought or image in my head, and then "try out" feelings on it, to see if I get a validation ping back. That just doesn't "happen". It takes sitting with the idea, letting it percolate, and having various feelings interact with the idea or image. That no longer is possible as I am both emotionally and intellectually castrated right now. That means I have lost all authority in any ideas I present or suggest. So be forewarned. Anything I write can be full of shit.