Lithium spread

Lithium spread--I know that I am being force fed lithium because of my ever expanding abdomen. They may only be giving me lithium at night--which is why I go crazy at nite and have the brain rushes that I remember lithium giving me--but it is still putting on a pound a day AND GODDAMN IT, THERE IS NO RAGE, NO CURSES, NO TEARS, NOTHING THAT CAN EXPRESS MY ANGER AND DEPRESSION OVER THIS.

My belly is growing and growing, bigger and bigger fatter and fatter, every single day, and I am absolutely powerless to stop it, as the goddamned chemicals they force feed me are causing it. I don't know how much longer I can go through this before all I will be able to wear are mu mu style dresses, or for that matter, before I become one of those people who are bedridden by their extreme obesity. I will check my weight tomorrow, but it really isn't indicative for I HAVE LOST NEARLY HALF OF MY MUSCLE which skews the weight gain, but I can tell by the expanding belly and the way my clothes fit, or rather don't, that the belly is expanding to ever increasing obscene amounts. My entire torso looks like the Michelin Man---rolls and rolls of fat where the once strong, defining muscles of my back and chest have been cut out. Indeed, my body is freakish to look at--no back at all--just belly and boobs (but not the proud, crested, maternal boobs that I had when they rode high on my God-given breast bone, but just drops of dripping fat that disgust me to look at or feel), fat ass and rounded, fat thighs.

I know that part of the jesuit/nazi agenda in creating this obscenity of a body is to alienate me from it, so that I will be more vulnerable to their mind manipulation games. Indeed, I think they wish me to go over the edge into schizophrenia. Years ago, when all this shit first started, and I talked to the DOM, Rebecca, that I was seeing, and asked why was this (being drugged) happening to me, and she (who had just been brought on board), smiled and said, "maybe to make you think you are crazy." She knew, what I figured out was the SLI's plan from the get go---make her think she's crazy, so that she will have some kind of conversion experience. The stupidity of their assinine views on spirituality--I don't even want to go there because I am so angry at myself for ever having had anything to do with those sick ass patriarchal perverts who are kin to the goddamned Nazis who are destroying my body right now...But anyway, that was the story they told Rebecca, and surely anyone else (in the initial stages of the deception---"we want her to think she is crazy." No you motherfuckers, you want me to GO bloody insane, and not tell the difference between reality and imagination, so I will believe all your goddamned lies that you channel through so many other poor New Age victims, and so that can get me trapped in the luciferian hell that is your interdimensional reality.


You also are trying to mold me into a matriarchal figurine of "the goddess", all boobs and belly. You stupid, goddamned little boy fucks. You are infantile babies looking for a teat to suck. Interestingly enough, I always considered the only part of the feminine identity with which I identified to be maternal, but not a maternal figure for an infant, but a strong, powerful maternal figure, who believes that while the time of childhood is important and to be respected, the purpose of a good mother is to expect and hope for the day when her children are ADULTS. When I worked in the correctional facility, wards would approach me and tell me that they dreamed I was feeding them. Well, guess what? I was the point "cop" on the unit--I had the highest expectations and demands, unlike so many of my peers who just decided that the wards were hopeless, and just phased out, collecting 50K a year, while they basically were babysitters who took the path of least resistance.


For years, I tried to find a vocation as a strong mother in patriarchal religion. There is only one role in patriarchal religion that fits me---PRIEST. You fucking perverted religionists want to be "fed" by me, but not in the SPIRITUALLY MATURE way of ritual Eucharist and feminine priestly leadership and authority. Instead, you are infantile boys (and this all a male trip), who want a matriarchal goddess of big belly and boobs for you to trap in your mind, always ready to titty feed you, "on demand", just like the profane boys in men's bodies trap the feminine as "sex goddess" instead of "mother goddess", spending hours, looking at the stylized, naked bodies always ready to fuck them "on demand". "In your mind, in your mind, it all goes down in your mind"--that Johnny Cash song sings of the psychologically infantile, whose mental entrapments make the transition to healthy and empowering ADULT relations with reality almost impossible.

Well, congratulations, after years of abuse, and realizing how psychologically immature religionist men are, I gave up on a religious vocation--not once, but twice. I find the people who are interested in being "fed" by the REAL me, who respect my person, intellect, body, and deepest identity, are not to be found in patriarchal institutions. As the ProphetIsaiah said, "The Lord says, 'See,I am making something new.'" And yes indeed, I see that--and those are the people I WANT to feed, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and hopefully one day, with one special woman, sexually. T(hose are the people I want to feed--the people willing to do the hard work of spiritual and psychological growth to a mature, androgynous (in the sense that each person is an integrated whole, and not a gender-differentiated, role-identified half) INDIVIDUATION.

That is what all of my suffering and my resistance is about. We are in the countdown to a pivotal time--2012 is the epochal year in which the die will be cast for the next millenia. Who will win? The new luciferian evil on the block which will cast the world in complete spiritual and psychological totaltarian slavery, which will make the mind control tactics of the past several centuries of patriarchal control, look amateurish. Same old, same old--instead of patriarchal mind control tactics and framework of aggression, dominance and inequality, the luciferians will pull the mind control strings using a fat-bellied, big-boobed "mother goddess" feeding the infants on demand--feeding them not only a welfare state diet of their daily bread and beer (just like the pyramid building Egyptian slaves of old), but also feeding them with a steady dose of passive entertainment that keeps their minds and hormones stimulated for the amusement of their machine and reptilian overlords. Instead of the anxiety, insecurity and constant striving created by the nmind control lie, "No matter what I do, Father will never love me," society will be mind controlled by the passively dependent, deceptively gentle and omnipresent delusion, "No matter what I do, Mommy will always love me." Both of these heretical ideological/cultural framework of values have the exact same goals--to keep the population infantile and powerless ("no matter what I do").

Well, as a young woman, I saw through the lies and failings of patriarchal mind-control, but guess what, I can see through the lies and failings of matriarchal mind-control just as clearly. You may turn my body into a grossly obscene exaggeration of some prehistoric matriarchal goddess figurine, but my heart, mind, and spirit will never go there. Furthermore, as conservative as I am regarding money, but I am willing to bet every centavo I have, every cell and fiber of my INTERSEXED being, that you luciferians FAIL. I am putting my money, my heart, spirit and every cell (yes even the grossly obese, FAT ones you pigs are responsible for) on the new and emerging paradigm of maturity, androgyny, and individualism on the psychological and spiritual levels, and a new sense of awareness and empowerment in an expanded interdimensional and interconnected world. So there.

Now, I have to go do the only exercise available to me, since I can no longer work out, do yoga, or even walk for any distance--bicycle. As losing a battle as it is, I have to try to keep up my health as best I can. But I'll be back...