Monday, February 7, 2011

Another nite turning in pain

Another nite turning in pain--there is no where I can lay down without feeling pain from any place in my body that has been cut up. The worst of it though is the back/pelvic girdle area. That area is now completely and painfully out of synch, as I tried to walk on it today. With all my leg muscles cut out--quads, hams, and knne supporting muscle, I no longer am able to walk properly. In addition--something the goddamned nazi surgeons don't know (and it would not matter if they did) is that I had a congenital imbalance in my pelvic girdle/the way my legs work together. From a very early age, my left leg accomodated for the imbalance instinctively, developing a wider girth and more muscle, which was definitively clear when I had a full medical exam done on it by worker's comp doctors. By cutting out the extra muscle of my left leg, to make my legs "perfect" (the way Nazis value perfection, not the perfection of God, humanity or me), the imbalance is acting out again. I can literally feel the difference in my two legs as I walk, and the only way I can walk now is with a pronounced limp, but it is the pain that bothers me the most. I am getting up to take another vicodin. There is no point in trying to be stoic about this level of pain--I do not know if I am ever going to walk normally again, but for tonight I have to try to sleep. Certainly, I know that i cannot walk now, which was the only avenue of exercise open to me. The spine hurts too--everything hurts.

Anyway, despite the pain, I still would rather be me than any of the other alternatives I see available. I remember the words of Jesus preaching, "It is better to lose your body than to burn in the fires of Gehenna." There are other people in worse shape than me. I have been thinking a lot about George W. Bush today, after watching his cameo appearance at the Super Bowl. When I wrote my piece yesterday, I wasn't able to really flesh it out, because I was just trying to make my point while I suffered in pain. Today though, I realized that George W Bush did the best he could do under nearly impossible constraints. There is some reason his father considers him a failure, and that is because he wasn't successful in doing his father's evil bidding. I think that he did the best he could do, with no support, surrounded by jackals, to thwart the evil cabal. He looked rueful as he acknowledged the camera pan at the Super Bowl, but he has a lot of which to be proud. Growing up in such a dysfunctional, unloving faming is a terrible handicap, and he kept his soul relatively intact. So, buck up, W. I will be praying for you with an ardency that I have not mustered for you in eight years. I think you did the best that you could under the circumstances. By fighting back against the cabal on 9/11, you not only preserved your life, but you may have preserved the life of the country.

Still, these are grim times. Greta v.S. was interviewing Senators McCain, Lieberman, and Graham at the Munich Security Conference. Interesting that they were attending with Hillary Clinton...But they all three looked shellshocked and I can only guess that they were filled in on some of the details by W himself. I won't put anything down, but I can imagine. Terrible, lonely, isolating pain on a professional AND personal level. No wonder why the man is an alcoholic, and has such esteem issues. He DOES have a relationship with God, however, and I hope that now that the horrible secret is out, that he can get some pastoral help and healing.

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