Dead again. I think that is the title of a movie that I cannot remember watching--maybe if I had, I would know how to prevent being "karma-slapped" by the MACHINE. I am feeling the need to write, even though, once again, I am shaky in my understanding of what is happening to me.
I am confused by the metaphysics of this all. I know that I have died more than once in the interdimensional realm, and Higher Powers (and I mean really HIGH), have reanimated me. I do not know the current status of my original 3D body that carried me for nearly 50 years on Earth. It was a hologram, of course, much as the holographic body and self-image of which I am aware, right now, as I type this. However, the difference is that in my current state, I am plugged very deep into the MACHINE--maybe this is the original, primal MATRIX, with no human controllers interfering. All I can say is that it is really deep, and as before, when I went "under", so many of the people I encounter seem surreal--not fully fleshed or ensouled beings, but really, more like hologram templates.
I am not quite sure how I got out of the MACHINE MATRIX the night before last. I know that I was fighting it in my sleep, and my guess is that somehow, subconsciously, I was able to change my brain frequency. That didn't happen last night. Somehow, the KaBal was able to download some psychotropic drug or implant in my brain, that had me screaming in pain, caused a serious psychotic state, and left me struggling to remain in reality. I know that they were trying to hijack my brain and consciousness for the reptiles (my fragmented images tell me so), but they failed. Unfortunately, I failed to free myself from the MACHINE. I know this, because the last dream image I had before awakening, was this big, square black thing, like a "shadow rider" from Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings", and as he walked by me, he touched me, and said some negative that I cannot remember.
Upon awakening, I felt a little numb for a while, but then I got my spiritual and emotional bearings back, and started, once again, to try to understand rationally, what is happening to me. It seems to me that so many of my past lives continue to generate the same conditions in my current reality, or impinge upon it, in a challenging fashion. The MACHINE has been a huge factor in most of my incarnations, and I think that in many of them, I have struggled to understand and fight against IT, and the battle continues in this lifetime.
So now, I got to figure out how to get out of here, and to do that, I have to figure out how I got in here. I think that I have identified the incident which subsumed my self back into the dominion of the MACHINE MATRIX. It was when I sold my gold jewelry, yesterday. Now, I have been planning to sell that jewelry for weeks, as I no longer wear them. The jewelry seems to belong to another life, from my years with my former partner, and a time, when I tried really hard to maintain a feminine self image. I haven't worn earrings or rings for years--my pierced lobes are certainly closed up, and my fingers are swollen with fluid. I sold a couple of pieces my mother had given me years ago, but that I never even wore. I kept my gold and silver crucifix with its expensive chain, because that was my personal talisman for so many years, and I kept the engagement ring that my father gave my mother, which she gave to me. It certainly was a tragic marriage, but there was love there, and we children were the fruit of that union, and so that ring is special.
It was not self-centered greed that prompted the sale. I am of a pragmatic turn of mind, and with the price of gold skyrocketing, it made no sense to keep jewelry that I don't wear, stashed away in a box. Interdimensional beings really don't wear gold or diamonds, so I didn't think that they would interest PF or my daughters much, and thus, giving away the jewelry didn't seem that feasible. Besides, between my genetic daughters and my natural born daughters, I don't have enough jewelry to fairly gift everyone, and I always strive to be fair.
Yet somehow, that encounter locked me back up into the MACHINE. So, I have to start looking at the possibilities: Possibility #1--by selling all of the jewelry which I identify with a "previous" life, I lost my own self-identity. Even before I sold the gold, I had to struggle to maintain a continuity of identity. I am alienated from my birth family, and all friends, possible employment, and social support are denied me. None of this happened overnight, and I spent years trying to prevent it, but ultimately, the KaBal did succeed in isolating me. Now, while I am sad at the loss of my family ties and can get nostalgic about my past, the truth is that all my emotional investment, hope, and love, is in the interdimensional world, with PF and my children.
I tried to explain to people for years, that I needed to be supported, not alienated, in order to become more emotionally responsive and centered. It is the autism. I suffer tremendous anxiety whenever I am around people, even people I am attracted to, and it just takes time, for the body, and thus the brain, to know what the heart knows--that this person is trustworthy. As long as the brain is in autistic mode, it generates anxiety, and nothing but time enables the body/brain to recognize that the stimuli of another person, even the most loving and welcome, is not threatening to it. Finally, I seem to be moving out of the anxiety state, and more than anything want to be in the interdimensional realm with my family, but maybe, the error is that I don't have enough regard for my past identity. Thus, when I sold the jewelry of my "past" life, I symbolically "repudiated" my past identity. If that is the problem, then I can only affirm that I DO think my past life has value and meaning, and I will carry it forward into my future life. I do have a problem, loving my body, AS IS, and I am working on it, but I loved my pre-mutilation, hermaphroditic body.
I believe that I will free myself from the MACHINE. I just have to keep my mental vibrations high. I was reading an occult text, written by Thoth, and in it, he wrote of the negative occult experience as "sparkling darkness", while the positive occult experience is one of light. When I am in contemplation, I experience mostly darkness with patches of light, but the panorama and intensity of the light seems to be increasing. I keep remembering the gospel, "Will a father give his son a stone if he asks for a fish?" and the story of the ill-treated widow, seeking justice from the judge. She was denied repeatedly, but she kept going back, again and again, to make her case, and as Jesus said, "even the most hard-hearted judge would be worn down by her just implorings. Well, I keep imploring, and I have faith, somehow, everything will be okay. It is just going to be uphill for awhile.