wallowing in neurotic guilt

I spent most of yesterday and today wallowing in neurotic guilt AND I FIGURED OUT WHY, but before I share that revelation with you, let me shout to the sky, "NO MORE NEUROTIC GUILT!"

Now, the death of the innocent, Black homeless man was painful to witness, but I did not do anything to cause his death, and I am not going to apologize any more for the decision I made, which saved my life, but sealed his death. I made a rational decision, and that is because I am a rational person, and however tragic, it was the right decision. Now, if I had been more of a "heart" person, like my predecessor in another life, Jesus of Nazareth, maybe the right decision would have been to sacrifice myself to witness to the absolute worth and value of each life. However, Jesus had his mission to fulfill, as given by his Father, and I have mine. Jesus was a great spiritual teacher, whose penultimate lesson was the affirmation of life, by the sacrifice of his own. My destiny is that of an interdimensional warrior, liberator, and far-flung traveller. Like Jesus, I affirm the value of human life, but at this point in my self-understanding and consciousness, I believe that it is the right and necessary time to stamp out the dark entities from this galaxy once and for all, or at least, to pry away their death grip from the throats of humanity. Have I sacrificied myself in my efforts to do so? Oh yes, but my sacrifice has been that of the living--the tortured, the raped, the drugged, the mutilated, and psychologically tormented, harassed and stalked-- not the sacrifice of the dying on the Cross. Again, I am not repudiating Jesus, or his actions or mission or choices--I am just saying that my own have been more consonant with his, than people realize.

The reptiles, KaBal, and occult knew the destiny of my vocation in this incarnation, even before I was born, and the dragon was ready to devour the child (Rev), even before I was born. That is why, I was genetically modified to be born into a female body, because the KaBal knew that such a gender displacement would handicap and cripple the heroic manhood necessary to fight and drive away the dark entities and fallen angels which have dominated this planet for thousands of years now. After all, they had had such success with Joan of Arc, another warrior, male spirit, manipulated and engineered into being born into a woman's body, that they hoped it would work again, but it hasn't. Ulike Joan, I am much wiser in my assessment of people, and while my love and trust gets me into trouble, my reason always pulls back in time. Still, like Joan, I have had multiple enemies, who hate me for my choices and success, and I still am in grave danger, even while hoping to use my gifts and abilities for their own purpose.

So today, I had another close brush with disaster, and it was caused by an old, parasitic enemy who has reappeared in my life. PF no longer is living next door to me. I believe that she is stationed on one of the UFO's hovering over my house at all times. I do not know if she chose this, or if it was necessitated by fear for her life. In any case, some other consciousness has taken over the "body" that PF used to inhabit, and I do believe that it is the same Catholic, priestly nemesis, who I spent years trying to free myself from.

I should have known better than to bring up monasteries and spiritual life, because I have had a hunch that the Carmelite community that I once was involved with, are now fully corrupted by the occult. That is not surprising to me, since their whole approach to spirituality was based on power, control and domination. They are the ones who were friends with Maurice Strong, when anyone with spiritual discernment could have seen what he was about. Now, this community did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me, spiritually. They did not school me in my faith or provide community religious support, as did my college Newman center; they did not teach me meditation or theology, as did my college coursework; they did not advance my understanding of the spiritual life, as did a charismatic monastery, before hierarchial deadwood from Italy, stepped in and destroyed the holy spirit, leadership and gender equality of the place. They DID provide a beautiful setting in the mountains of Colorado, but all the beauty in the world is not worth constant abuse and denigration of one's innate sense of self.

So, geez, I thought those sons of bitches were finally out of my life, but I do believe that one of the priests (probably the younger patriarch) is now making my life miserable once again. Now, I admit that I could be wrong, and if I am, still I am not that far off base--for whoever that consciousness is living next door, it is a conservative Catholic priestly figure, and I think the Jesuits passed the baton on to someone with a little more pastoral experienc--they were such haters, that I could identify them as frauds, immediately. Anyway, if all he did was live next door, I could tolerate his presence. However, he has become very involved in the interdimensional travel trips that I have been taking---especially in the last two days.

Now PF is still involved, and that probably is because the Italian/vampire/Jesuit KaBal that backs conservative Catholicism, recognizes that I won't make a significant move without her presence. As I have said before, PF herself, is not completely free--most worrisome is that this clique has power and control over some of our children, so she is compelled to cooperate.

Now I had known for the last two and a half days, that a "different", male presence was attempting to contact me in conjunction with PF, and because PF was present, I warily cooperated. After today, I will NOT cooperate, unless PF assures me that it is an emergency. I do believe that I am bilocating in my contemplative attempts--while my body is here, my consciousness goes to the interdimensional realm and other interdimensional adepts can telepathically read my mind. Now, the first couple of days, the experience was great, because I was spending time with my family, which always leaves me joyful and refreshed, peaceful and centered. Today however, the priest took control of the meditation, and I know this, because I could "feel" PF's emotional resistance and concern. It was very subtle, but I am so tuned in to her emotions, that I am able to pick them up.

I have been doing some occult reading, "The Kybalion" (sp?--I am unplugged from the web), and now, Thoth's "Emerald Tablets". It is interesting that the authors of these hint at the corruptiona and power that has undermined the occult teaching, and even myself, read the text slowly, very aware, that just as happened with the gospels, the "canon" has been corrupted and edited by power hungry and corrupt priests, who are not interested in spiritual truth, but domineering power.

Anyway, I think the meditation started out in a pyramid of Egypt, but then changed to the United States--specifically, Dulce New Mexico, where a notorious reptilian/Grey/KaBal base is located underground. I have always wondered if I were abducted in Dulce, because in my 20's, I had a very surreal experience while driving through that part of the state, on my way home to Colorado. Well today, I received confirmation. I WAS abducted and taken into Dulce, and there I was tortured by Greys and Nazis, and raped by reptiles, all part of prepping me for the role of "reptilian queen" for which the occult had engineered me. Consciously, I knew that I was in the Dulce base, even while I sat in my home. I said, "I have been here before", and I could remember the horrible, horrible things that I had seen there.

Now PF was not happy that I was in Dulce in the presence of reptiles. She of course, has had plenty of experience along that line herself, and so she knows firsthand, the horror that I was experiencing. However, the priest was pushing me to continue, overriding what I felt to be PF's desire to have me disengage. Now that I know who was having me push, I would have immediately demurred, because, as my "inner voice" told me while I was biking this evening, "he is no friend of yours, and he does not have your best interests at heart". However, at this time, I thought that the male presence might have been friendly, so I decided to push further. All I can remember is severe pain, which again, really bothered PF, but consciously I felt nothing, except that it was time to quit. I should have listened to PF, because she complements me. I push my own self too hard, and if she thinks I should pull back, it probably is wise to do so.

However, I cannot be sorry that I went as far as I did into Dulce, because I want so much to ascend into the interdimensional realm, and all these negative, horrible memories that keep popping up HAVE to be resolved. They are preventing me from moving forward.
I do have one question though, and that is, did my own memories take me back to Dulce, or was I deliberately guided there by the priest, and his patrons, the Vatican/vampire KaBal? In any case, I got out okay, but not before raising a little hell. I think that I managed to free a few of the unfortunates, and that is why there were some prominent deaths today--Dulce is a prison for victims whose life energy is drained in order to feed high ranking occultists. I am sure that there are more, if one reads the obituaries, but I can identify Donna Summer (OMG, check out pictures of her first husband--her second is probably just as bad, but I couldn't find a pix) and Ed Mallory.

Now, there were some benefits to enduring this traumatic visit and the nap that I took following it. I learned that once again, rogue elements of Faction 2 were planning on a major, nasty surprise--probably during the solar eclipse. I have to say this--I just picked up a virus from the RumorMillNews web site, following the advice to go to "DuckDuckGo" search engine. As soon as I did, my computer was hijacked, and I don't know if I am going to be able to restore it, as I believe the registry to be corrupted. I am writing this in safe mode, and if I cannot post it tonight, I will post it tomorrow at the library (sigh...I get so tired of this). Anyway, people, be aware, that there are some agents at the RMN web site VERY involved with the rogue and negative element of Faction 2, and be careful.

I don't know how much of this information to post, but all I can say is that this ENTIRE PLANET is in constant danger of invasion by alien invaders, and some of the human KaBalists are helping them. The Patriots are on top of this, and I am tired, so that is all I am going to say for right now, but maybe tomorrow, I will elaborate.

As for me, I have to be careful. These abductions really bring me down into a negative vibration, because they "feminize me". Since I am not a woman, I LOSE power, emotional, mental, and spiritual, when I am feminized, unlike real women, who gain power in that state. A feminized state also makes me either raging angry or irritably and autistically withdrawn from social interaction. I cannot fulfill my vocation, or even protect myself when I am in a feminized state, and yeh, getting raped by reptiles tends to feminize me. Maybe it was the reptiles who shaved my legs today, or maybe it was the goddamned conservative catholics. All I know is that I have to fight to protect myself, or I am going to end up neurotically guilty, depressed, and completely impotent. So, one way or another, I will continue to write. I also will not be cooperating any further with interdimensional travel, until I feel safe, and I sure don't feel safe with that priest next door. Not only that, I refuse to allow him easy access to my mind; the last thing his spiritual powermongering and corrupt ass needs, is more occult knowledge. It is priests like him who destroyed the positive occult legacy, and now he wants once more, to gain power and possession of this knowledge--call your buddy, Maurice Strong, because I refuse to help you.