I am so tired of being in-tense.

I am so tired of being in-tense. I had a horrible night--think I was tortured, and have been barely functional all day. Because my thyroid meds have been pulled, the viral download causes me to have the brain tumor syndrome all day. Sometimes, my brain does not have enough energy to even open my eyes. I cannot help but wonder if my "blindness" in the interdimensional realm is the result of a severe deficiency of testosterone (the thyroid meds increase my testosterone hormonal levels), and in a state in which my brain has increased demands, there is not enough fuel to power it. I wish to God, that I could just get a huge man-sized injection of testosterone--I think it would do wonders for me. However, right now the Vatican/Italian faction is still in control, and instead they are force feeding me huge amounts of female hormones. Once again, my muscles are liquifying into fat in a matter of days--it has happened before, and I am too low energy to care.

I do worry about my hands, though. They continue to suffer from nerve pain, and sharp, shooting fiery pain. However, I can only hope for the best. I don't have enough energy or brain power to read, and it is really lousy, because the TV acts as a mind control medium, now that the digitilization changeover has taken effect. Sometimes when I watch the music channels, which has no images, I "see" all these squares, and I think, that along with lines, they correspond to a brain wave programming. It nearly always is subliminal, but i can see it at times on a blank screen. Sigh. I cannot even watch tv to relax. Even if i could, i can't watch any shows with (even light) violence, like a cop show, or sex--everything is monitored and used against me in the dream state. A while back, I watched the first few minutes of "Birdcage", which is very funny, lighthearted movie about gay men. When I went for a walk, I had to endure a parade of sundry "gay" men, programmed into my MATRIX reality, walking by.

I am not completely at a loss--I can still listen to music, and PF is still there for me. It just is that when I am so low energy, it is so hard to relate telepathically. Heck, that is hard when i am high energy. Sometimes, I wish for the days of country living--sitting on a porch and listening to the crickets, but to be honest, i never really did that for long--when i lived in the country, i was a kid, and there were always things to do when i was a kid. No, the peace i long for is just the rest of the half dead and terminally ill, which is the condition i am in, with this severe testosterone deficiency. but again, i have been here before--i have spent months of my life enduring this hell of being so enervate and lacking energy that i can barely drag myself to do minimal functions of every day living.

i am tapped out, yet i keep giving. i hope and pray for just one good night's sleep.