Thursday, May 24, 2012

I should not post

I should not post the first thing in the morning, and especially after awakening from a bad dream image. I may be in the MATRIX, but I am fully alive. I guess my brain was discombobulated from the severe pain and temporary semi-psychotic state from last night. In any case, the MATRIX is losing its hold over me. I still see agents in my reality, and they are the ones making it hard for me to shop for food, but still, they are losing, if I can just hold on a little while longer.

But how much longer? I am doing a lot of interdimensional traveling now, in my contemplative states, and it is clear to all honest parties (forget about the Horus boys looking to suck mom into perpetuity, or the haters seeking a reptile queen) that I am most definitely a man, and can only be happy and HEALTHY as a man, and never a woman. Yes, I was able to live a deep lie for many years by keeping my brain and psyche immature, but the cost was extremely high. I could never reach my potential, because a mature "woman" coming across as a flaky adolescent boy, was always offputting to others. I was reading Jung the other day, and he talked of the terrible price the self pays, when one lives out a false persona. He said that when that happens, the person opens their inner lives to the control of outside forces they cannot control. That is what has been happening to me the last few years. I have been paying the price for the lie that I advanced for so many years, with the false "feminine" persona. There just was not a good way to resolve the intense gender identity dissonance that I had. I chose the way that afforded me social acceptance in the short term, then had to pay the price for the lie, later, as a gaggle of boys actually fell for the feminine lie. I could have lived honestly as a masculine, transgendered person, but I would have been severely penalized by society for such a stance. Still, in the long run, I would have had the truth on my side, and that would have filled me with conviction and strength.

In any case, the lie is over, and the victimization by external forces who bit on the lie, harder than I ever did, is losing power and momentum. It is time for me to go be with my family, and yet, I still seem to be dragging my heels. Apparently, I do have a masochistic streak, that wants to continue to be female, until I am assured that the feminine is respected. I say "masochistic" because again, that is not who I am, nor will I ever be happy or fulfilled with such a sacrifice. Well, it may have been noble for me to endure such a difficult life of gender ambiguity, but consciously, I recognize that it is time for all this "noble" sacrifice to end.

The feminine is on its way to greater respect in the world, and the whole sordid history of masculine mistreatment of those who inhabit a female body (including the footnote that is my story), is well documented. Knowledge and truth are always the prerequisites for genuine change. At this point, any continued pious proclamation by me that I am holding out for the full rehabilitation of the female freedom and rights, just doesn't hold water. First of all, it IS going to be a process, and nothing can hasten that. In certain countries, women themselves still need to be awakened and empowered, and that is their journey, and not one that a Western hermaphrodite can really influence, but rather is the purview of political, cultural, and artistic leaders.

Secondly, it does no good to laud the concept of "the feminine", while I abuse the patience and good will of the feminine being most important to me--PF. She needs me with her, both for her emotional support in her arduous political work, and especially to help with the raising of our children. There are about 10 of them, now, and 2 or 3 of them are autistic children, and need their autistic father there with them, to help them open up and develop in a healthy way to the world. What kind of contradictory hypocrisy is it, to preach respect and regard for the feminine, and yet leave the mother of your children to raise them, all by herself.

Now, I do have some excuse, because to be honest, aliens have taken control of some of our children, so that we are not yet a family unit. By staying independent, I help lead the fight against those who would appropriate our beautiful children as slaves for their own agendas. However, soon the time will come, when it will be time for PF and I to reclaim all of our children, and yes, I keep pushing, and hoping that today is the day, but so far, complete success eludes me.

Yet even my body is telling me what needs to happen. Because my kidney (note the singular) has been hot and painful today, I looked up the symbolism for it. According to Chinese philosophy, the two kidneys represent yin and yang, and one can tell which is predominant by certain symptoms. I have lost my "yin" or female kidney, and my remaining kidney is "yang" or male. Now, an imbalance in the kidney leads to stress and disease, so thanks to Faction 2, they gutted out, the female part of my body. However, I am not worried about it, because I know that PF can complement my yang energy with her yin, and just by her presence, and our spiritual synergy, my body can balance itself out with the yin/yang energy.

One final note of medical interest. After my blood was drawn, I started feeling pain in what I thought was my kidneys, but then I realized that it was the area of my back, which has some kind of pinched nerve thing going on, when the viral fluid bulges through the spinal canal. That thoracic nerve is what causes my leg nerve pain, which is PAINFUL. Then right below it, my left sacral muscles started spasming, and now I have more pain going on with my left ribs. So, I started thinking, did the blood draw and loss cause a blood pressure change, which may have caused some vascular change, which is causing the nerve pain. Or is this pain--all on my left side, the result of a calcium (ion channel controller) deficiency, because I know that one of my left parathyroids is "dead"--a medical intuitive told me so--ping! I don't know, but that left side is bothering me more and more with pain and muscle spasms, and the nerve pain that started after the blood draw is still firing intermittently. Anyway, here's hoping that I can get some prescription testosterone that is uncontaminated--at least to take it when I eat, so I don't get so sluggish and ill, while my testsoterone starved body, tries to find the fuel to metabolize the digestion process.

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