Monday, April 9, 2012

10 minutes

10 minutes after writing the previous post, I felt the oppressive brain fog and surrealistic stupor that has surrounded me all day lift. WOW--an angel has heard my prayer, and I sure am appreciative.

Now, if I could just do something tangible in return. I know where I want to be, need to be, feel called to be, but evil seems to have the step on me at every turn. I find that I am sabotaging and betraying myself again and again. I find myself saying and doing things, both in the interdimensional and 3D realms, that I would never do if I were rational. But I am not always rational. I never know when that damned Amon RA virus download is going to begin, and literally drive me out of my mind. It happened again this morning, after I thought that I was so free of the damned thing (as long as I have the reptilian evil spirit in me, I will never be free of it). It hit me so bad, that I got lost, driving to the local doughnut shop. Instead of enraging me though, it just made me severely autistic, with my mouth full of mucous, and when I dazedly spit it out, I immediately felt bad, because I spit in a spot which revealed a lot of love. Now, that was no accident. Of course, I instantly regretted the action, but what compelled me to spit in the most disrespectful place I could?

I know that the autism that the Amon RA virus causes is a huge part of my problem, because I become separated from reality when I am autistic. If I had been present to reality, I would have known where I was, and been present to the beauty and gift of the spot, but I wasn't. Somehow, I have got to force myself to be more aware of what is going on around me, when that autistic state starts, because I know that evil is not going away, because I wring my hands and curse its darkness. No, I have to move in cooperation with grace, especially when the evil is tugging the hardest against me, and that includes when I am in an altered state of consciousness, during which my first reaction is to shut down and close off from the reality which becomes so overwhelming and negative within seconds. Somehow, I have to move from the stance that I am surrounded by evil and power tripping controllers and users (90% of the time), to a sense that I am surrounded by grace and helpful and friendly forces who respect my personal choices. There is a maxim in the spiritual life, "Where there is no love, put love, and there will be love." In my situation, I would say, "Where there are lies, put truth, and there will be truth". The problem is, that more than anything else, I wish these occult KaBalists who steadfastly refuse to respect my sovereign personhood, to just leave me alone, but they won't. They are as compelled by their evil spirits to harass me, as surely as I am compelled by mine to betray my own self. They have not the power to change, because they are to enslaved to desire a change. I have to be the one who somehow makes the change.

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