"Sometimes I feel, like I've been tied to the whipping post"--woke up singing that Allman Brothers song, as well as another, "Just one more morning I had to wake up with the blues". The amazing thing is that even though those songs are completely valid and honor my feelings that I encountered and felt during last night's Persephone's stay in Hades, I still woke up energized and feeling good about myself on the deepest level.
I have been working really hard to maintain a positive outlook and belief, and yesterday evening, after a "twofer" with PF, I think I was able to finally took a huge step forward. For, if there was ever a human body on this planet that NEEDS sex to feel whole and fully alive, it would be me. Literally, really, truly. Because of all the satanic mind-control abuse and my autistic brain, I am, regrettably, very alienated from my own feeling state, and that is true, no matter what my emotional state. It is my natural personality type, and while I could work at it, and develop a more aware connection to my feeling state, I know that this tendency of alienation from my feeling function is going to be with me until I die. It is the personality weakness, through which God or Grace or Love, can work through, so that I don't devolve into some "angelic-demonic" monster, self-sufficient and supremely arrogant in all my soon-to-be, fully activated "higher self". Nope, I will always be vulnerable to the needs of the significant other, PF, who holds the key to making me whole and alive. I suppose, if I were cynical or fearful, I wouldn't divulge that piece of information, but I am always intellectually honest, especially on a conscious level. Besides, our relationship is going through a hard time right now, and PF is bearing the brunt of it, since the problem really is with me, and my inability to "ascend". So, I cannot let her know how much I appreciate and need her on a directly engaging level, but only indirectly.
However, despite all this conscious admission,I, unfortunately, am in a place where "another woman" is clamoring for my attention, and sabotaging all deepest hopes, desires, and longing. That "woman" is actually a girl--my abandoned, repudiated, hated, and wounded inner child. I left her behind, as I struggled to, and eventually succeeded in, developing a strong, conscious sense of self. The only problem is that my sense of self is built on an unconscious that is severely repressed in certain areas, resulting in a fragmentation that allows for mind controllers and handlers to "flip me" with ease--like taking candy from a four-year old girl child...
Now, I could rant and rave about the character deficiency and disorder revealed in a being who would manipulate me, or anyone else for that matter, while in an unconscious state, which directly contravenes what they explicitly say or want in their conscious life; however I have been doing that for years now, and it does no good. So, this tells me that it is all up to me, to figure out how to circumvent this unwanted "flipping" in my own unconscious, in which my whole, integrated person, becomes temporarily reduced to, and guided by a small fragment of my psyche--and invariably, a hidden or repressed link in my psyche.
This conclusion is further reinforced by the fact that I have also experienced, both on a personal and objective level, the powerful and detrimental effects caused by the "flipping out" of even higher and more ancient, alien beings. I am talking about alien beings who I have thoroughly vetted and recognize as being genuinely good and dedicated to helping humanity, yet when the nanoswitch is flipped, they abandon their deepest beliefs and convictions, as quickly as I do, when my brain is "flipped". Obviously, the real evil that controls this universe--the reptiles, through their minions, the Tall Whites or "Elohim", and the Greys, have figured out a surefire way, to flip switches in a humanoid brain, so that we turn against our own best interests, undermining not only our individual self-interests, but our collective one as a human race.
So, as is fitting regarding my current state, I am reminded of the opening lines from "Mission Impossible"--"this is your mission, should you choose to accept it". However as the oracle in "The Matrix" (2?) says, "you already have chosen. You've just got to remember why". Well, I think that I am beginning to remember why, which is why I have spent so much time in the past few posts, reflecting on all of my "bad" karma. It was interesting that just as I was beginning to delve into the mystery of the karma of Osiris, I heard a loud crack. Now, I know that was a message from the interdimensional realm, though I am not sure if it was a warning shot from Osiris or one of his adversaries ("Thoth", perhaps?). Still, I understood the message. I am not yet ready to explore and present Osiris. There is some other work that needs to be done first, and I recognize that to be the unification and strengthening of my entire mind, through the integration of the repressed areas of my unconscious.
You know, a few days back, when I recognized that I had a severely repressed and abused inner child, AND the day after I "ran" from the interdimensional hospital, I knew that I needed to engage in some heavy duty psychological work, if I were ever to be free. I kicked around the idea of going to a hospital or therapy, but (forgive me), I would be very hard to heal through traditional means. I am too smart, and my MACHINE mind, while surface-compliant, and pretending to cooperate, would actually be moving to subvert deep healing. Nor is it any good to attempt to heal me in an interdimensional setting. Not only is the astral realm ultimately operating under the labor of the same corruption which afflicts me, I wouldn't remember enough of the healing they could provide, in order to help others free themselves. The old-fashioned way of attaining psychological maturity may involve pain and shame, but it leaves an indelible imprint, which can then be understood and used to help others. The best healers are those who have worked through their own painful wounds.
Secondly, my level of trust and ability to cooperate with those who love and would heal me, is severely compromised in the interdimensional realm. I know, because I have recognized what is happening in that realm--it is the EXACT SAME PSYCHOLOGICAL PROCESS I went through as a child and teenager--I am playing "games" with the figures of my interdimensional environment, in order to arrive at a personally affirmed sense of Self. In other words, I am attempting to achieve a strong integration of my unconscious Self (I capitalize that word deliberately--read Jung and others), in the same way that I achieved a strong, conscious Self as a youth. Now, most people just evolve naturally into a full expression of Self, but they do not bear the burdens of severe, satanic abuse and the resulting mind trauma and compartmentalization; nor do they grow up in an unsupportive, even hostile and dysfunctional family; nor are they born as an intersexed being, in which the body phenotype is in direct conflict with one's own deepest psychic reality and needs.
When I was younger, I was SO confused about who and what I really was, so chameleon like, or contra-chameleon like, I would try out different personality traits to see how people responded. Now, even as a youngster, I had a very scientific mind, and I was always interested in analyzing people's responses to my various personas, but really this methodology of discovering Self, primarily benefited me. I had to figure out what truly reasonated with, and authenticated the REAL me. Now some people might think that is a pretty shabby or immature way to relate to others, but since there was too much conflicting psychological and socio-cultural factors present in my psyche, not to mention, huge areas that remained repressed, it was the only way I intuitively knew to develop a strong Self and personality.
Now, the exact same thing is happening again, only this time in my unconscious. All of these compartments and fragmented pieces are clamoring to be acknowledged, heard, and integrated. Since most of them are repressed from earlier periods in my life, especially my very young girl-childhood, or my rebellious, "don't give a damn" adolescence, I am sure that there is a lot of "acting out" going on in my unconscious or interdimensional reality. I beg the forgiveness of all those who love--and that would be, those who have come to know, appreciate, and recognize me through my conscious Self. Don't think that because I am going through a second childhood/adolescence in my unconscious life, that I have repudiated my values, beliefs, and convictions of my conscious person. I know who and what I am--I am just trying to convince some stubborn holdovers in my unconscious to go along with me, for the ride. In the meantime, while this healing and integrating process is going on, please continue to support me in the ways that I know you always have. I will be FULLY with you all, soon, though I will be the first to say, "not soon enough". Lots of love to all my interdimensional family.