Good Friday finds me

Good Friday finds me drinking from the dregs of abject personal failure once again, but I am not hanging from a Cross, giving it up for The Good Cause, this time. No, this time, I am learning from my mistakes, and preparing for yet another battle, and the next time, I intend to win. So, how did I lose the battle (and my child), last night? Well, even though it is a "roundaround" and lengthy explanation, I am going to begin by explaining my dreams last night. I don't remember my first dream, but I woke up, I would say around 2 am, feeling really great. As a matter of fact, the baby was in my stomach again, and I was not sure if I was wrong about the baby being dead, or if PF had gifted me again. I know that we had interdimensional sex, but whether that was for procreation or couple healing purposes, I cannot say. Yes, I felt badly if indeed the baby was lost, but on the other hand, PF and I had an intense day, yesterday, as I became consciously aware of one of her former sex partners, who actually, I think goes back to Atlantis, which, probably because of the ancient connection, ignited fierce jealousy and resentment in me. PF and this former lover have worked out their karma issues, and both are in the interdimensional realm--which means that they have made peace with their past and each other. I still have not, though I came very close last night. I wasn't sure what was happening last night, but I knew that it was special. Unfortunately, I had gone to sleep, a little bit spooked, because my intuition had told me that "something" was about to go down, and my personal experience is that abductions are nearly always negative. However, I didn't feel negative, after first waking up around 2 am. I knew that I had had intimate contact with PF, and I felt like the baby in my belly, gave me a chance to "prove" myself again. I had wondered if my agreement to carry a child, was a way of righting the guilt (however legitimate or not) that I felt, over the spontaneous abortion of the Grey hybrid child)ren) that I had committed so many years ago. Now, I don't think consciousness enters a 3D human fetus until the second trimester--though I don't think a hard, fast date can ever be universally established, and thus, I accept the possibility of abortion within the first trimester. However, abortion will always be accompanied by deep regret and moral remorse, for even if the being is not yet soul activated, the real potential for soul, for life, is there, and the mother chooses to protect her own activated soul life, by sacrificing a potential life. Now, right or wrong, that is the way I see it. I fear, though, that unconsciously I knew that my aborted child, a Grey Hybrid, was already soul activated, since interdimensional children are ensouled almost immediately upon conception. Of course, I never had any conscious awareness of being pregnancy, and it was the result of negative, non-consensual abduction and violation. However, I know that unconsciously, I knew what was going on, because I remember pondering on whether or not an African slave woman was morally justified in throwing her rape-conceived child overboard, while en route by ship to a lifetime of brutal slavery. It kind of surprised me that I was engaging in these philosophical thoughts in my 30's, because at this point, I was not Black, I was not heterosexual, and I had a very busy and full life, with a whole lot more on my agenda that demanded thought and attention. I know now what I decided, and to be honest, I am not sorry that I did so. I realize that I was denying life to a potential being, but not only did I reject the thought of my child being a slave, but also, I was protecting myself. Unconsciously, I had to know of the horrible violation and abuse that I experienced during the abduction, and it was my rejection of that, which led to the rejection of the fetus. While the Nazis may have gotten that message, I still incurred guilt, because of my deeply held spiritual beliefs. You see, one of the reasons that religion is such a great mind-control tool, is because of the guilt which it instills, and affords a weapon to would be controllers. Now, there is legitimate guilt and there is neurotic guilt, and a truly spiritual person, has moved from the latter to the former. I actually, am a very hard person to guilt-trip, though God knows, many have tried. That is because I don't get hooked by neurotic guilt, unlike, say, so many Americans who feel guilty if they are not buying all the products that this consumerist society shoves down their throat. I don't have neurotic guilt about my lifestyle or my choices. However, I do suffer from legitimate guilt, and perhaps this abortion(s) is one of those instances--not because I made the wrong decision, but because the gravity of the consequences weigh heavily on me. So maybe, I want to prove that I CAN carry a baby, even though my own best self-interest tells me that I do not want to do so, not only because I don't get the deep sense of fulfillment that genuine mothers do, but also, because my body does not want to carry one--and especially now, when my back is trashed from the unnatural configuration, and there literally is no room in the trunk and torso. So, after this first awakening in the night, I was pleased that the baby was inside of me again. I felt as though it gave me a chance to not only expiate guilt, but also to please my partner, who had gifted me with the child in the first place. I also was thanking God that interdimensional pregnancies are brief. However, in the second segment of the night, all the feel-good vanished, and karmic guilt blindsided me once again. So first, the dream: I dreamed that I was in a hospital, and for some reason, I decided to "escape". I hate hospitals. I think I am too psychically sensitive to the suffering and death that transpires there, not to mention the legacy of helplessness, control, and even abuse that I have experienced in hospitals--especially since an ER trip landed me in a mental hospital for nearly a month. Anyway, I know now that this hospital trip last night, was a serious attempt to rescue me by the Patriots, and even though it failed, I must express my gratitude to all those who tried. However, in my dream, I did not realize my great, good fortune. I felt the compulsion to "escape", and so I made my move. I heard that the hospital was being "locked down" to prevent me, but a woman came to my aid--except that I now don't believe that she was a woman. I believe that she was an alien who had crashed "the hospital", somehow finding me(probably yet another alien "flipper" in the Patriot ranks). Anyway, this woman was eager "to help" me. First she showed me a little room, which I recognized as mine, because of the antique, white cabinetry that was the door and other similar features in the interior. Somehow, though, I knew that this room represented a tie or link between myself and a negative alien faction--probably one of the Italian Genovese/Venetian cliques. This room was shabby, seedy and run down, and the only item I recognized was the easy, recliner chair on my front porch, which the woman told me that they were going to auction off. That was one of the few symbols I looked up in the dream dictionary, and it represents soliciting or taking advice from another, or engaging in thoughtful contemplation. This woman also told me (though I don't know what it means), that there were going to be two huge bankruptcies, including that of a major jeweler and that of a large financial services company. Then this woman put me in an elevator, punched "2", and when the door opened, I was able to walk right out. Now, I cannot decide if this woman was an honest broker of the truth, who recognized that either I did not belong in this particular place or at this particular time, or if she is just yet another manifestation of yet another control clique. Was she one of the occult "Italians" herself? I tend to think that she is a member of the negative Italian clique--I just can't understand why I trusted her so fast. I don't know. I do know that I ended up driving into my town, and I saw a horse keeping pace with me, which shocked me, so that I started to drift into the vehicle (if I were driving--later I would see that I was not driving the car at all--I didn't recognize the car, either). Anyway, I know that the horse was a symbol for PF, who was trying to corral me back into the hospital and freedom. My last look at her was one of her concern, for there was an awful lot of traffic on the road, and I feared the oncoming traffic. So then, I stop to get gas, and at that point, it is clear that someone else is driving the car, though I don't know who--maybe the grandson of one of my alien "neighbors" WHO HAVE TIME AND AGAIN, DEMONSTRATED THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART OR IN MIND. However, they are more than happy to use my pain and suffering (by plugging me into the various frequencies of the MACHINE) to help them fight their factional enemies--but I am just slave to them, that, and a source of fresh genetic material, since they are too spiritually dead to create any children of their own. They are looking for a lifetime slave, and boy, do I fight the bill perfectly. Anyway, I pay the attendant with a charge card, and he gives me the torn of corners of two $20.00 bills in return. Aha--big clue there. In order to get fuel for my "car" (which would include such hormonal fuel as bare minimum levels of testosterone--which I have NOT been getting), I have to give them what I value most--money! Now, I know that this sounds counterintuitive , but I actually have figured it out from other dreams that money signifies what you value most--your allegiance, your services, your wife and children. Aaah, the beauty of occult slavery--they smile and wave at you, trick you and dupe you, betray and confuse you, they by every possible means, so that it seems that you are WILLINGLY consenting to their lies and treacherous deceit. That is, until you have time to review it your head, and realize that once again, masters of the unconscious and astral realm have led your spirit right to the slaughterhouse, and they are sitting there with a high tech cutting blade and hose, to bleed you dry. At that point, you can just stand in line and bleat, or you can fight back with every weapon at your disposal--and for me, that is "the pen". So, here is what I say, you motherfucking Italian occult vampires and spirit stealers. LEAVE ME ALONE--EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. I want NOTHING to do with you, or your faction. Furthermore I figured out how "the woman" (oh yeh, she definitely was VERY negative), was able to gain my trust so fast. The LYING, SCHEMING alien did not present herself honestly, but rather shapeshifted into the image of Hillary Clinton, didn't she? Because you know I would never trust one of your sorry, evil clique, right? Anyway, getting back to the money--as I said, in exchange for my debit card (bank acct--remember that dream back around Feb 15th), I got 2 torn off corners of with the number 20 on it--that totals 40. The number "40" is a very interesting symbol in my dreams. I have experienced it several times, and a long time ago, I figured out for myself, what it signifies--it stands for patriarchal, guilt-tripping religion of the absolute worst order--you know the kind that focuses on the angry God, Jehovah, or the tortured Jesus, or the human sacrifices of the Maya There actually was a beautiful Pleiadian civilization before the Mayan exiles of the Middle East arrived in Central America to establish their death and blood cults of suffering, slavery, and ultimately, destruction. Because the room I was shown, struck me as classically Italian, I can only guess that this small room is connecting to a part of my psyche and karma, that still is influenced by this kind of masochistic, guilt-tripping religion, and I mean no disrespect to Jesus, who is my greatest spiritual teacher and authority, but this is the day he succumbed to his own masochism and guilt-tripping, so maybe that is why I suffered such a terrible self-betrayal last night. All the lachrymose and lugubrious self-flagellation inspired by the MACHINE-RA version of Jesus' passion and death, still bearing fruit for Satan, after all these years. #40, indeed. You see, I think that ultimately, it was a mistake for Jesus to co-operate so willingly as he did with his own demise. The fact that Faction 2/The Templars have appropriate period documents, which are actually elaborate fakes, which state that Jesus cut and run, tells me that this was actually a real option presented to him. However, I am sure that Jesus blamed himself, when he realized how duped he had been by MACHINE-RA, and how he was to be used to open all the stargates of the galaxy, so the reptiles could enter again, or how disappointed he was, that none of his disciples could get what God or Jesus' preached "kingdom" was about. So, his guilt as a spiritual "failure", and his desire to make atonement for it, allowed him to place his trust in the authorities. I know that I have been attempted to do the same thing, but I learned two lessons from jail. The first was to toughen up my boundaries, and close off to needy co-dependent, "energy vampires". The second was not ever again to trust that the authorities had my best interests in heart, just because their cultural paradigm says it is okay to abuse somebody for their "ultimate benefit"--kind of like the old "burning at the stake" rationale. Strong masochist legacy that I have, I have been burned at the stake, too--at least twice, once as Jacques de Molay and again as Joan of Arc (intersexed hermaphrodite). At least Jesus managed to break out of the MACHINE, before his death; I think that only death itself was able to free de Molay and Joan of Arc--they were much more trapped by circumstance and incarceration than Jesus himself. However, for all his good intentions, Jesus could not have known of the greater conspiracy against him--that devotees of the MACHINE were ready and waiting to hijack his movement and teachings, and that a genetic and thoroughly mind-controlled Grey hybrid, was ready to tweak his teachings on an international scale. You see, Jesus had his own reincarnation karma, too. Not only was he impacted by the tragedy of David and the apostate failure of his chosen son, Solomon, but I think the tragic infliction of guilt ultimately goes back to the great fallen founder of my incarnational lineage, Osiris. However, before I begin that piece of exposition, I want to post and break. I have learned to keep my blog posts short as possible, just in case of the rare technical difficulty--which has happened before. Besides, I need to cut in to the third part of the dream...