Sunday, April 8, 2012

I woke up at 3:00 am

I woke up at 3:00 am, much like two nights ago, with the moonlight shining upon me. However, I felt the total opposite of the way I felt a couple of nights ago, after knowing that I had just engaged in intimacy with PF. I felt cold, nauseated, and feeling like I had just sold out an important part of me. Now, sometimes I do things in the interdimensional realm that I don't understand, and often will reverse myself but always, this discomfiting feeling concerns me deeply. Whatever just transpired does not make me feel good about myself or life.

I know that this feeling is related to my previous post regarding Salusa, for I know that PF has been a staunch supporter of his for years. I also know that very recently, she has come around to my view, which may be why Salusa attacked her so viciously--I mean, going after a pregnant woman??? That level of evil is just unconscionable, and especially since it was my unborn child who died in the attack, I HAD to speak out. However, I knew that this would put PF in a sensitive and difficult position in the complex labyrinthine of factional politics, though I am not sure of exactly what is happening. Of course, I am involved too, as I am the big bone (ha ha) that the dogs fight over.

I am loathe to speak right now, as this issue involves sensitive and explosive issues and concerns. I am feeling very emotional right now, with not enough information to present a case which lays out my position regarding myself and my future, both personal and otherwise. But make no mistake...I will do so, once I have gathered just a little bit more information, so that I can address the questions that I intuit are being asked of me in the astral realm.

I will tell you that it would be a big mistake to assume that I am going to depart substantially from any position or commitment, whether personally or perspectively, as has been laid out in this blog from the very beginning, to the most recent posts. It will be a delicate minefield to tiptoe through the field of what I know and what I don't know. In some ways I know more than people realize, and in other ways, I know less than what they assume. I know ME however--my values, needs, self-identity, and mission. Hopefully, a little bit of time will allow me to present myself vis-a-vis the currents swirling around this latest wrinkle of power dynamics.

As for now, I am going back to bed, in hopes that when I wake up a little later, the day and my mood will feel more like Easter. Now I no longer believe in the traditional, dogmatic concept of resurrection, and despite my heavy theology of the past posts, I have no desire whatsoever to become a 21st century "Messiah" of either the old religion or a new one. However, this has always been a day of great joy for me, and right about now, I sure could use some fervent joy...for right now, I will have to settle for a few more hours of snooze.

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