Monday, April 2, 2012
Another night of brain rushes
Another night of brain rushes--lithium. they are going to do damage to my brain again---once, i could see the electricity engulf my entire brain from anterior to posterior. funny goddamned thing about the fucking lithium and my mood swings. My mood swings and emotion intensity are caused by the excessive female hormones i am force fed, not by any biochemical imbalance in my brain. i have been crying all morning. woke up with the same fucking migraine headache and cramping legs that tell me too much fucking female hormones. i can feel it all over my body. I AM RIGHT, GODDAMN IT--JUST AS I HAVE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY HEALTH EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. You see, i may have been psychotic a couple of nites ago, but i was absolutely correct about the hormonal mind control done to PF and myself. PF is XXY and they overdose her on testosterone to amp up her emotions hysterically and send her sexual energy soaring. I am XYY, and so they use excessive estrogen and female hormones to keep me low energy, barely functional and autistic (yes--the testosterone alleviates my autism dramatically), and full of mood swings and rage. I know, from when I was taking heavy doses of testosterone, before the product I bought was contaminated, actually mellows my emotions out into a steady state, and creates a wonderful sense of well-being. it sure has been a while since that happened. so, i am going to have to take some testosterone just to get up and move, to be able to open my eyes enough, to see reality. i am trying really hard not to get depressed about the pregnancy, but last nite while i tried to sleep and today, it just feels like there is a cinder block in my belly, weighing me down. PF tried to get me to talk to it, and apologize for pounding the hell out of it with my fists, and i did, but there is no question---I feel profoundly alienated from the being inside of me--not part of me or my free will at all. PF has said she will take the baby, but it will need to be done in the astral realm by advanced tech of aliens, and i couldnt sleep last nite with all the brain rushes and psychotic, alienated brain i was experiencing from the goddamned lithium. there is still something in my belly. the conception may have been of twins, and they may have gotten one, while the other needs to mature. that seems to be what i tend to believe happened. or maybe i am just not cooperating with the process. last nite i dreamed i talked to a Nazi (imaged as my mother's husband). then, a cop or security guard wanted to talk to me, and the interdimensional world has their own po-po's. I know i have encountered them, and do not feel like i have been treated fairly or justly by them. however, i had no animus to the guard--i just had woken up and wanted to go for a lil walk, but at end of walk, i was distracted by a building (school?) full of kitschy but interesting clutter. i knew the cop was waiting on me, so i went to go back, but first i needed to use the bathroom, but couldnt find one. i finally did, but then couldn't evacuate my bowels. tells me a lot of emotional shit going on, and worse of all, i do not have the emotional energy and stamina to deal with it. Because my body is XYY, I need at least 1 1/2 ratio of testosterone to female hormones in order for my body to even begin to work right. every cell in my body is made up of double Y genes, and needs double doses of testosterone. instead, i am being force fed a ration of 2-3 times more female hormones to the testosterone. so i spend my days sick, miserable autistic, and now on top of that, i am pregnant. lifted up my shirt, and saw the beginning of telltale line that runs from sternum to navel in pregnant women. extremely depressing and alienating to see that in my own body. my body has been so mutilated into a stick form that i dont have any room to carry a fetus. already, ever single day i am in pain from the abnormal body structure i now carry, from where i have cut and chopped. even before the pregnancy, there was no vitality or energetic life in my body. now a fetus is sucking at what little, dragging energy i have. yeh, i am severely depressed. however, i have to believe that PF will take the child, and so I am going to cut out the excessive vitamn C and parsley treatment, going to quit pounding on the gut, and trying to figure out a way to abort. right now, i must take some testosterone, or i am going to spend all day in bed crying. best to get up and move. i cant believe this is happening. this is the worst thing the fucking Nazi torturers have done to me since they castrated my penis.