Thursday, April 12, 2012

Depressed. Sick. Nauseated. Crushed.

Depressed. Sick. Crushed. Nauseated. I haven't woke up feeling so shitty and suicidally depressed, since my lower back muscles were gutted, along with my natural masculine energy. It didn't take me long to figure out why. When I went to pee, the urine flow was blocked, and I knew that my hermaphroditic UT, with its male prostate, had once again, been castrated from my body, despite all my strenuous objections on the previous post. I was so low energy on awakening, that I had wondered if I had been given psychotropic drugs--some kind of speed to stifle my high energy, and maybe it has.

The absolute worst, however, is the castration, because once again, this male in a female body, suffers from both ends. As a male, I suffer from the soul searing pain to the psyche and the loss of inner self-esteem and vitality, which happens when a male's (and you really think with two YY genes that I am not male) bodily symbol of manhood is castrated. I know this is what happened, because I felt just like this on my birthday last year (2 years ago?), when they castrated my rudimentary penis from my body.

When I say, "they", I mean the same goddamned Nazi fucking pigs of Faction 2, along with their goddamned alien overlords, in this case, the Tall Whites. When I was castrated, 2 years ago, the "doctor" appeared in the image of my ex-lover. This time, the fucking piece of shit, appeared as, believe it or not, "Salusa", except that I guarantee you that it was not. I may have my disagreements with Salusa, but one thing about him is that he literally crackles with energy. This scumbag Faction 2 Nazi/Tall White was a total energy vampire, and his mere presence was so draining and parasitical, that I could feel it, even in my unconscious state, where I usually experience very muted emotions and emotional responses.

It was just Faction 2's way of throwing acid in my face. Why? They don't get it. They have their Tall White UFO's fly overhead while I am in an orgasmic state and get my brain frequencies, and they can't understand how I loathe them, their pedophilic dicks and brains, and any sexual act that originates from my wounded inner child, and not my true Self. They are so goddamned stupid and so goddamned mind controlled and so plugged into the MACHINE, that they think orgasmic joy and the resulting high spiritual energy is all about sound frequencies in the brain. You fucking assholes--how could you be so stupid? It isn't the sex, it isn't the orgasm that creates the feeling of joy and wonder and peace that you crave so much, because you have never known it. It is LOVE, and love is real--you can't get it by plugging in, or illegally downloading someone's brain frequencies. You get it by respecting another person's free will and boundaries, by relating to that person as they are, not as you want them to be, by having patience and forebearance, with no thought at all, "what is in it for me?".

Now, I know that PF has been psychically involved in my life for some time now, and I know that she has done little things to make my life easier, like adjust my muscles when they were out of alignment. She did all that, with no reward or recompense from me at all--it was just love. As a matter of fact, she probably has been in my mind from years past, including the time when I was going through torrid masturbatory fantasies about another woman. But she never let her love and concern for me be contingent on a response from me, and so she has grown strong in true love. Me, I'm just a horndog!

Seriously, I gave PF a terrible time when she moved in with Mermaid--just because I suspected that she was either alien or an alien affiliated, and I have suffered too much at their hands to be naturally friendly with them. Of course, I was right, but as I slowly realized how wrong I was about PF, then remorse grew. When I am wrong, I admit it, and it always humbles me, which then cracks my protective, shield, and allows love to transmit and receive. I suspect PF has loved me for a long time; however I got a crash course, as I discovered the full dimensions of this "lover next door". There was all the past history, which was a painful shock to me, there was the realization that she was much more powerful than me, and there was all resistance that kept getting thrown our way. Through one rapid crisis of truth and realization after another, my love increased and grew. I love PF just as she is, even though her past, and the level of her self-awareness are very different from mine. I accept the limitations, no matter how frustrating, on our relationship, because I love her.

It is this kind of love that has true power. There is no orgasmic joy right now, but I feel better even writing this, because ultimately it love that is the true secret ingredient to human happiness. Abuse, power tripping, control, chemicals, castration violation of body, mind, and spirit--none of that calls forth love, and indeed it makes the soul salted and barren, so that it can not receive love either. You think you can get "love" the cheap and easy way--just hijack my brain frequencies, and cont,rol them at your pleasure, but you cannot, so all you can do is HATE and PUNISH more and more and more.

All I can do is struggle to hold on to love--not for Faction 2's sake, because I don't think that they would recognize love, if it two X foured them in the face. No, I have to do it for my sake, my own humanity, my own soul and salvation. I have to hold on to love, for the sake of that little four year old child, who no doubt is the one cooperating with these Nazi torturers. One thing about children is that they are not rational. Were she a rational being, I know that I could explain to her what is going on, she would understand, and I believe that we could reach a mutual accommodation. But children are just little feelers, and I have never been much of a "feeler", not even as a child, so I am a little bit handicapped in trying to relate to her.

I do know that children, because they cannot rationally analyze a situation, blame themselves for everything. Some one of my extended family told me once, that it bothered them to see me as a little child, because whenever I would reach out to touch something, I would smack my own hands, and say "bad girl". I think part of the mind control process was making sure that I never took self-initiative, and that probably involved electric shocks every time I reached out for something, so that I learned to denigrate my own efforts. This hypothesis is further borne out, by dreams I have had in which my hands were cut off, which was a frequent dream of mine of the past 15 years, when all my attempts at self-assertion have been so stymied.

So my guess is that my inner child learned to feel "bad" about her genitalia, as she lay there on a gurney, receiving shock after shock into her tender vagina. If I can't fathom how someone could be so monstrously evil, as to do that to a child, how could she? I suspect that she just learned to associate her genitalia with pain, and a feeling of guilt that something was wrong with that part of her body, and ultimately with her. I think that is why the inner child cooperates with the castration of the prostrate. The little girl is trying to "make things all right", by removing what her handlers tell her is wrong with her. More than anything else, that little girl wants everything to be all right, and for the pain and disassociation to just go away.

As an adult, I know that won't make the pain go away, but how much more does this little girl have to suffer, before she learns to trust me, the adult who repudiated and repressed her, in my attempt to mature into a healthy, mature self-identity? I don't know. All I can say for sure is that I definitely am feeling her pain at every level--physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. She cannot fight back, but is totally abject, helpless, and dependent. I can fight back, yet it seems the more I resist my tormentors and assert my free will, the more they hurt and constrain my inner child. Yet she is me, and I would never have survived this horrible, satanic childhood if she were not strong and intuitively smart enough to endure it, so somehow, ultimately I have confidence that we will connect.

In the meantime, I have to struggle to keep my own very sanity. I have woken up in pain from more mutilation, and I am so autistic that I am non functional. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I am walking around with the "brain tumor syndrome" again. Yet, I know, because I have been here before, that I am being prepped for another "Friday the 13th", Faction 2 horror of abuse and evil. I knew it yesterday, when my inner voice prompted me to clean as much of my house as I could, because I was going to be suffering in a major way, once again. That is the way Faction 2 works--the more one resists them, the more acid they throw in your face. I need to lay down. i am in bad shape.

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