Saturday, April 7, 2012

OK--I finally have quit procrastinating

OK--I finally have quit procrastinating, and am ready to post the third part of the dream. It wasn't a dream really, but rather, a feeling that, once again, I was plugged into the MACHINE. That is a very violating feeling, really--basically, when one is plugged into the MACHINE, IT can download or upload images in your head, which fires off neurons, which translates into frequencies. This is why I am so coveted as a high ranking slave by so many--because my brain transmits and receives such a wide range of frequencies. It is especially rankling when the lazy and immature among them, try to hijack my frequency codes, as a way of bypassing the hard work of human experience and emotions. I EARNED my emotional responses--both good and bad--that is why the frequencies associated with them are so powerful. I struggled, hurt, and cried, for many years of failure in accessing, acknowledging and appreciating them, until finally, all the EFFORT and HARD WORK, FAILURE and REJECTION, paid off in a big way. So, I have a real problem with those who are all jacked up, and into the frequencies of the MACHINE, especially since I know that emotions not generated by authentic and immediate experience are ultimately low quality counterfeiting. It is the experience of relating to reality, and fully engaging the people and circumstance in it, that authenticates the emotional experience. So, when I am plugged into the MACHINE, I gather that I am downloading a "spiritual" file that the MACHINE has on library. Maybe I see images, maybe I read some holy scripture--because of my background in religious studies and meditation, I immediately translate that into the peace of contemplation, a practice that I mastered years ago, again, after a lot of hard work. So, then, maybe some verbal download comes out of my sleeping mouth. Guess what? That was first witnessed by other people when I was 23 years old--just ask my boss at my first post-collegiate job. I was talking about "peace", and that was all I heard about the next morning at the retreat breakfast from my peers--how "peaceful" and "awesome" and "beautiful" my words had been in my sleep. I knew of course, that it was totally bogus. Yes, I have experienced genuine spiritual peace, but I know it when it happens. I wake up feeling it--just like I woke up the night before last, knowing that I had had sex with PF. I woke up feeling loved and energized with every fiber of my being.

Now, I have no memory of having sex with PF that night, just like I have no memory of sermonizing on "peace" (and I suspect that I have done this more than once--MACHINE-RA must have found a download clip that really resonates with my brain neurons), but I know when an experience is real and when it is ersatz, because reality carries over into the waking state. Now, I have had genuine spiritual experiences with God or the Holy Spirit in my dream life--it just has been a very long time, since that has happened. The KaBal has been hacking my dream life for so long, pretending to be God or Spirit, that I no longer even trust any kind of spiritual transmission while sleeping. Occasionally, they do happen, but they must go through a stiff vetting process, before I grant them any credence. I know that God is okay with this, because God knows the intensity and sophistication of the evil spiritual reality that is assaulting me. Besides, when one is a true spiritual adept, one doesn't need great consolations of either thought, word, or feeling, from God. My faithfulness and commitment to God and my spiritual life remains, even though, from the outside, I don't seem to engage in any witnessing acts of spiritual practice--church worship, scripture reading, organized meditation, good works of charity, etc. However, I must emphasize, I ALREADY PAID MY DUES. I no longer sit and meditate on a regular basis, but I did for years. I no longer read scripture daily, but I did for years.

If you want to have a spiritual life, quit looking to get it by "plugging into" religion--whether low tech dogma that promises "cheap grace", or high tech frequency pirating which promises an "emotional high". Experience the spiritual life directly for yourself. Try sitting for a half hour a day every day (ultimately for years, but just try it for one week). See how dry, difficult, and unrewarding it can be, but if you can surmount your own inner resistance to the "desert of the (inner) real", you will come to know true spirituality, and true peace. Or try to read and penetrate one of the great scriptures of the world--any of them. They are all full of paradoxes, myths, metaphors, sublimity and nonsense, and like a Zen koan, will drive any logical person up a wall, until you finally break down the analytic barriers and categories in your own mind and enter into the mystery of the Word. It will take years. I have scripture stories in my head that took me years to comprehend, and some that I still haven't figured out, but feed your head with the good stuff, and it will nourish you for as long as you live, while the hot MACHINE riffs--no matter how intoxicating the allure, is only an addictive fix that constantly leaves you craving more.

So, I think the MACHINE has been able to tap into a deep, personal desire of mine for peace. Peace in and of itself is good. However, I think that I am stagnating in a false peace, a peace of the MACHINE, where my mind is empty and blissed out, and I have no worries and no commitments. All truly spiritual people have a life long struggle to cast out and break the idols of their "religion", whatever that religion may be. For it is human nature, to turn our experience of reality into something we can control--an idol. This is why, in the human realm, it is so important to honor and respect the free will of another--otherwise there is idolatry going on, whether that of other or self as a god or slave. However, in the spiritual realm, the sincere practitioner can fall prey to idolatry as well. Of course, the big bugaboo is dogma or fixed rigidity of the "law". One is no longer worshipping God, but an idolatrous abstraction that grants satisfaction for the merest of effort. For finding the true God and relating to the true God is actually a lot of hard work. Giving up meat on Fridays, or fasting during Ramadan is actually much easier by comparison.

In the early stages of the faith life, such spiritual practices are important and valuable, but again, it is human nature to turn them into idols. I think that is what I have done with the awareness of peace. I have turned it from a holy and desirable attainment, into an idol. That is, I have an incomplete or partially false inner conception of what peace is, yet it is a conception that I cling to, and continue to uphold and venerate. I think this, partially because the MACHINE has so clearly co-opted this notion of peace in my unconscious state. As I said, I first became aware of this "download" when I was 23 years old, but there has never been an accompanying awareness of spiritual grace and presence upon awakening. The results, of the "peace" download has never carried over to my waking life, whether as a personally felt, or objective benefice. When this happens, I truly suspect the work of deceiving and negative entities, not holy and positive ones.

Furthermore, I can recognize in my own spiritual practice, that I have become quite adept at fostering the peaceful state of contemplation. There is a frequent saying in homilectics that the role of spiritual practice is "to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable". Well, the state of peace, for me, is just too darned comfortable, for it be be truly authentic. You see, I am a natural born practitioner of meditation. When I first started doing it, I was amazed at how easy it seemed for me, and how salutary the benefits. For, at the time, in my early 20's, I was incredibly hyperactive, and my mind was a chaotic mess. It was a fecund chaotic mess, but with so many ideas and images pouring forth in jumbled, breathtaking speed, that it is a miracle I ever was able to accomplish anything. So, I learned that just by sitting for a half hour to an hour, I could get "peace" from my own mind. It helped me to order my thoughts, and it helped slow down my neurotic hyperactivity of both mind and body. With very little effort, I could enter that quiet place very easily. However, very quickly, it became a tool that I could use to CONTROL my own mind, rather than OPEN it to the fullness of reality. You see, by age 20, I had already learned that spiritual practice could be a very dangerous, ie. "uncontrollable" experience, and I decided that while I liked and benefited greatly from the blissed out, "empty mind" state of contemplation, I was always very careful to make sure that everything stayed under control. HINT. HINT. "God" or "faith" or "spirit" under control of the ego is an IDOL!! Even though I was attaining the state of deep peace by traditionally approved practice, I might as well have been jacked into the MACHINE, receiving the blissed out blessings from a frequency carrier, because I actively worked to control the state, rather than "be" the state.

Now, of course, I am experiencing a real problem as I try to enter the astral realm through meditation, because I have spent years, decades even, making sure to control the experience, and to not let the experience escalate. No, I wanted the deep, blissed out, (dare I say, infantile?) place, where my own mind would shut up for a while. Instead of a self-encapsulated ego of which the retreat masters warn, I have a self-encapsulated mind, and guess what? The MACHINE can hijack into that all day long, and use it as fodder for all the other infantile, self-encapsulated minds looking to bliss out.

However, true peace is not about bliss, or a lack of tension or conflict, or a self-help mental tool. Jesus himself said, "I have not come to bring peace, but the sword", and while many non-Christians opine that he meant this martially, since the Zealot movement was operative in his ranks, I don't think so. I think that what Jesus meant was that the blissed out state of peace was ultimately phony, that there is always going to be conflict in life--within oneself, one's relationships, and one's world, and that an honest man or woman of the spirit acknowledges this, and comes ready to confront the tension and conflict. For honest confrontation is necessary before healing. I have tried to run away from tension and conflict my entire life. Partly, it was the defense mechanism that I developed as a child raised in a dysfunctional, disrespectful, and abusive family. I was very aggressive as a child and teen, but had little leeway to channel it positively into a mature assertion. Had I been in a boy's body, there would have been so many other peripheral outlets, such as contact sports, and mentors available to me, but as a girl, with such strong aggressive tendencies, I learned to fear, rather than temper my own inner aggression. So it all went into the cauldron of my seething mind, where it steamed and smoked and burned, until FINALLY, I found the great tool with which to control it.

Of course, once I became established in my intellectual prowess, I was quite comfortable expressing aggression, as long as it was about ideas or debate. It was interpersonal conflict from which I shied. This led me to not only detach from any kind of social activism, but also to disengage from any kind of committed responsibility. I was not IRRESPONSIBLE, so much as I actively avoided any possibility of heavy responsibility, in which I might encounter a situation, where as the words of Jesus imply, you need to bring a sword. I wanted the phony peace, the ersatz peace, and to preserve it, I have let myself be terminated unjustly from two separate jobs, and I have been thrown in jail. I spent years trying to please and love people, who had and have no respect for who I am, what I believe, or the 1500 posts presented on this blog over the last four years.

I assumed that I would keep the peace, just by being myself, and trusting in the process. However, the good is completely streaked with evil, and I have learned very late that the sword is needed to cut through the lies and the deceiving illusions, including the fact that the people I have trusted the most ended up being my worst enemies. I have learned that the sword is needed to separate and cut myself off from the energy vampires, who would mutilate and cut me, so that I conform to their idea of the MACHINE controlled "Big Teat". I have learned that the sword is needed to FIGHT the forces of evil, for a pacifist self-sacrifice is ultimately relinquishing the fight, and that should never happen until all other options are completely exhausted. I have learned that, as a male, the sword is my natural weapon, and it is there for me to protect my wife and children, and that if I refuse to face the conflict squarely, the consequences will be aggravated and even more bitter for others, both intimates and unknown allies.

So now, after years of always trying to accommodate all sides of the spectrum, I now admit that all it got me was years of escalating abuse. I would have been better off, had I staked a position and committed to it, instead of flitting around, always trying to please people, and claiming a "religious vocation" when pushed. Aaah, yes...the religious vocation--where I could sit for an hour or so each day in blissed out "peace", and read liturgical poetry, and have people control my life, just as tightly as I control my head. The indisputable truth that revealed itself to me, as I made the acquaintance of a couple of monasteries, was that they had some of the most vicious interpersonal dynamics (and especially the male/female energy) that I have ever encountered in my life. In the end though, it didn't matter. Grace, Providence, God, call it what you will, has ensured that every attempt I have made to escape my destiny has been rebuffed. The only fruit of my quite arduous attempts, has been years of pain, loneliness, and abuse. Even as write this post, I am in severe pain from where I have been mutilated by a force which more than anything else, wants to prevent me from being whole and strong.

So, how does one become "blessed" with such a fate? Well, if you have been reading the last couple dozen posts, you know that there is a common theme to many of my incarnations, including military, spiritual seeking and sacrifice, leadership. I hated that last word when I was younger. A nun once asked me, when I was going to grow up. "The church needs leaders". I could have made any half dozen of stinging, flippantly answers, including grabbing my unwelcome and unendowed crotch. However, I just said, "I am not a leader. I am a lone wolf" Yeh, well now the lone wolf has been viciously attacked, hamstrung and bloodied, while every occult varmint in the forest takes their turn at taking a bite out of me (literally!).

Very late, as I say, but not too late--I believe that if I were going to sell out, it would have happened before now. God knows I have had a plethora of opportunity. Furthermore, all the multiple resurfacings after multiple rock bottoms, have led me to develop confidence in God's plan after all. I mean, how can one explain the graces that I have experienced in my life. If I can create life by energetic love, can I not vanquish these enemies who have my life such bitter hell?

Oh, but what if I still am handicapped by my own fear of aggression--no matter how justified or warranted? What is causing my brain to continue to track into the MACHINE's groove, which spits out a programmed, downloaded rendition of peace pap, that has no transformative bearing or efficacy in my life? What if, the old insecurities of childhood--of being forced by socialization to adapt a feminine role of receptivity and nurturance, when really I was an aggressive and highly active and brave boy, continue to gnaw at me? Well, the truth is that I think that all of the above have some truth; however, I want to go back to the source--not of my life, but of what I recognize as the beginning of my incarnational lineage, which I think may shed light on some of the heavy duty karma with which I struggle, and have struggled over many lifetimes.

Osiris. Osiris. Osiris. I keep coming back to this man, but I have declined to write much about him, because, unlike so many of my incarnations, I really have no documented history about him of which I have read. Yes, there are myths, but myths are always tricky to interpret, and if I could, I would take a crash course in ancient Egyptian mythology, but there is just too much going on, for me to pursue that. Of course, I could learn the truth about all my incarnations, as most advanced adepts do--by becoming an interdimensional being, activating multiple DNA strands and with that, access to hidden memories. However, I seem to perversely insist on doing everything the hard way, and so it seems that I am compelled to dig out ancient history of which there is no reliable record (of course, psychics propound the "Akashic records", but I don't trust them any more than any other unproven--to me--source).

I am certain that I am going to make a lot of mistakes in this presentation, and that I will have to go back and re-write, but I am prepared to make an initial stab of this life of Osiris...Technical difficulties are going to cause me to pause, think a little more--however Osiris and the fall of Atlantis I think are the key to understanding all this negative karma...more on that later. It has been a long day, anyway. This house was attacked by an evil spirit. I would say that the energies of Holy Saturday were responsible, except that it was twice now--and both coming from my bedroom window. I think that there is a concerted attack on both myself and PF by evil and/or factional entities. Too much coincidence. Anyway, that may be what is primarily responsible for Mermaid's issues--maybe her brain is too psychic all these heavy duty aliens and their ability to switch the brain. Ciao.

No comments: