Overloaded with toxins and psychotropic drugs. I know that my body has way too much heavy metal toxins in it, because I woke up with my feet hurting, they have hurt all day, and they still hurt. The soles of the feet are terminal points for every organ in the body, and after years of being overdosed on heavy metals and toxins, I know what the tenderness of the soles of my feet signify. Of course, I know that it is the Italian/religious blasphemer faction that is forcing this on me, so it does no good to claim that already this same group is responsible for doing massive damage and near death to other vital organs, or that I already have major problems with my kidneys. I know that they just don't care.
Whatever psychotropic drug I am on, has me so somnolent that I am practically sleep walking, completely alienated from all emotions, and autistic in all my dealings with reality. Same old--used to it by now. Still, I ask myself, "how does this happen?". The answer is twofold:
First, I have a powerful evil spirit inside of me, almost certainly a reptile, and it is quite adept at eluding arrest or expulsion, and undermining my own self-identity and self-choices. Secondly, this evil spirit maintains power over me because I have a highly fragmented, repressed brain. You see, I have realized recently that I suffered even more traumatic mind control at the hands of the AmonRA satanists (the cult my parents were in) than I realized. Of course, I don't remember much, but there are certain clues that are undeniable.
For so long, I thought that the reason I could not "ascend" was because I didn't have a strong enough heart or emotional center. However, I really do believe my heart is fine, or there is no way I could energize thought and intent with the love that is necessary to create new life. I may suffer from an inability to express or reach out palpably with my love, but my heart is fine--just very, very reserved. Furthermore, as long as I am autistic, whether by drugs or excessive female hormones, it will stay that way. No, it is my brain that has the problem. Now, I have used spiritual techniques and practices, such as contemplation to hide and control the fact that my mind has repressed spaces and empty places. People may think I am neurotic, but they have never suspected me of a form of multiple personality disorder.
You see, I have worked so hard, using every intellectual, psychological, and spiritual too available, to develop a strong, functioning ego, that people don't realize that there is a deeper, more sinister reason for the times when my personality is a little "off". Like many mind controlled people (and I could name names, but just trust me, I have been an observer of this for a long time), I have an immature, juvenile side that reveals itself at inappropriate times, and clashes with my overall persona, which is serious, mature, and responsible. Even more disturbing, though, recent efforts at intense meditation has made it clear that I have wounded little girl child in me, which is completely repressed from my adult ego and personality.
Now, this is the result of severe and disassociative torture which could only have occurred to me, when I was a very young child--3 or 4. I recently figured out that I was ritualistically raped by both my father and mother as a young child, but I think the programming and torture goes even deeper than that. What specifically happened, I cannot say, though I suspect drug and chemical abuse to alter brain waves--why, because I am terrified of needles and injections, or any kind of medical procedure for that matter. I almost am certain that painful probes were placed in my vagina, as a young child. Why? Because it is happening now--not RIGHT now, but I have recognized that yes, once again, the Italian/religious cult as mind control faction is behind these painful, burning pains I get sometime, and the worst I ever experienced the pains was when I went to talk to my therapist, except she wasn't there. Rather, one of the "Jesuit"/Italian vampire shapeshifters was, and she knew exactly what was going, and was looking to see how I would handle the re-enactment of the original control. Now, I never let on, how much pain I was in, but the shapeshifter psychic had to have known. Instead, I gave a classic performance of a mind-controlled multiple personality, manifesting as a fruit cake. Partly, I was in control, but partly not--however, the important point was to keep the vampire off guard and guessing herself.
The child that is repressed is a much more difficult challenge to integrate and heal. For you see, as an intersexed, hermaphroditic male, I not only had to separate from the "X" gene at about 2 months of fetal age, but I had to do it again, in childhood. Now, there are a lot of old pictures from the last century which shows young boys in frilly dresses, and the old time psychs, such as Jung and Freud would write about how toddler age boys were treated and regarded as girls in 19th century upper class families. It did happen, though the practice seems to have died down, but I had to go through it again, only worse. Because this time, I was not only treated and regarded as a female, I was abused as one, with a painful probe creating burning sensations or shocks inside my child's vagina.
Really, it is a miracle that I was able to grow out of this deeply repressed and passive, feminized state, and develop, slowly but surely into a solid personality with a female body and male psyche, but I did. However, the problem is that the little girl child, stays repressed and abused in an even deeper part of my psyche. I developed my mature psyche and ego by repressing any memory of her, and because my psyche developed as a male (and I know this from my teenage dreams), she feels even more spurned. Not only did her mother and father hate her femininity, but so did all the evil doctors and white coats, who I am sure, put her through the entire gamut of psychosexual torture, as has been documented by so many other victims of the KaBal. So, my guess is that she, my "inner child" is deep in my unconscious, furious and raging for being hated and repudiated, not only in her real time experience as my younger self, but also because I keep her so tightly repressed.
I keep her repressed, because of her gross immaturity. I actually hear her voice as that of a little girl, and I am reminded of schizophrenics who will talk in the voice of a little girl. The split off, wounded and repressed element of the psyche takes over, and in a rage, shatters the mind. I cannot allow that to happen. However, the hurt little girl cannot allow my adult persona to integrate her. Thus, I cannot ascend, because when you ascend, you have to have all of your conscious and unconscious fully aware and integrated. If I try to cheat, and get past the "gatekeeper" with that raging child repressed, it is possible that I might become catatonic, or very easy to flip. The occult KaBal would know exactly which switches would turn on that raging little girl, and the results would not be pretty.
In the meantime, I think it is this inner girl child who is causing so many of the self-betraying difficulties that I experience. She is the one who allows for the mutilation and cutting. She is asking of me, "Remember me? Remember what it feels like to have the body of a small child?" The truth is that I don't. I couldn't wait to grow up as a kid, and I was delighted as I gained in bulk and muscles. Furthermore, the evil spirit in me is so powerful that I need a fully integrated personality in order to expel it, so I NEED that little girl inside of me. Psychologically, though I am in a dilemma, which is from one side is the little girl wanting acknowledgment to be loved and respected for being a female, but my adult end has a deep wound and insecurity, because I need to be acknowledged, loved and respected as a male. Now, had I been a woman, then this little child would naturally have been incorporated into my psyche as part of the healing process. However, from the very earliest age of self-identity, like any male, I worked hard to SEPARATE from the feminine, and that involved separating from the memory of this wounded little girl.
So, the question becomes, how do I heal and integrate this wounded girl child, without losing my own battered self-identity in the process? For my cherished self identity, as a male, is under full blown assault. As a matter of fact, that is the purpose of the drugs they keep feeding me--to make me passive and dependent, but I have been there before and I resist most strenuously, but the more I resist, the more that repressed piece of me, rages, because passivity and dependency is all it has ever known, and it wants to be ACKNOWLEDGED.
So, there is my dilemma. It would be nice if I could get some help with this, but I know that any therapist will be co-opted by the same shapeshifting KaBal religious zealots who wanted to see how I reacted to the memory of the vaginal probe, or asked me "what happened in jail?". Damned shapeshifting vampire. It knew--it was just playing more mind games with me.
On a day like today, when the drugs have me alienated from my own feeling state, and the post hypnotic suggestion of the previous night's abduction have me questioning the people in my life that THEY fear the most, I could despair, but I don't. I become more assured than ever, of what my path in the future is, and if they don't like it, tough shit. They may not want to see me as an interdimensional Black man, but that is the way my heart and intuition sees it. It is not the Akashic records that has convinced me of this, it is not Salusa who has convinced me of this, and it is not PF, who had any bearing on the matter, when I first was hit with the intuitive realization--for she was just an occasional inner voice at that point. However, I have stiff resistance to this intuitive insight--first of all, from my own inner child, and secondly, from the KaBal. What I have recently come to understand is that the elements of the KaBal which are most in denial about this future, is that they are the ones controlled by the reptiles and Tall Whites. I could prove my point, but sometimes, I prefer to sit back and observe, until the time is right. So, I am wondering, "who really is racist?" Is it human beings or is it the reptiles/Tall Whites (Siran/reptilian hybrids)? For Whites have really heavy reptilian DNA, while African (but not American) Blacks, not so much, so are the reptiles afraid of their genetic lineage diminishing in power and prestige? I don't know--just wondering; however, I must admit that I have a most powerful reptilian mind, so maybe I do know how they think...
It doesn't matter, from my perspective, the human perspective, or the Creator's perspective. All life is sacred, and different genes bestow different characteristics, and instead of thinking that one is superior to another, we need to realizing how one is complementary to another. Oh, but again, the reptiles, with their arrogant, imperialist sense of superiority, would never think that way. So, who do you identify with, you racists of every color--humanity or the reptiles?
Just asking, but know this, I throw in my lot with humanity all the way, and anyone who would sell us out to the reptilian agenda is my enemy, and I will fight to the bitter death to preserve MY race--the human race.