Thursday, April 5, 2012
I am a father again
I am a father again--this time i carried the baby in my uterus--at least part of the time. OK, a tiny, insignificant amount of the time. i still don't know how i agreed to do it, but i know the night the child was conceived, and could feel PF's joy bubbling over, even before sex, so i know that she asked me subliminally, even if i have no memory, whatsoever. Besides, having spent decades as a sex slave, she would never impregnate me without consent. i wish i could say that I was happy and gracious about the pregnancy, but really, it was extremely difficult. Faction 2 cut on my back and shoulders again, and I am in the worst back pain of my life. I suppose it would help if I knew how I got pregnant, because I have been so extremely low energy that sexual desire has been really difficult to muster or sustain. But it definitely happened. Anyhow, I was carrying the baby this morning, when I fell asleep and gave birth in the astral realm. I am afraid i don't know much other than that. I woke up so low energy on female hormones, that i just didn't care much about anything all day. My house is a mess, but i dont have the energy to clean it. went for a bike ride, and became so severely autistic, i could barely get home. so, what should have been a day of great joy, has been a difficult, painful, dragging day. I dont let it get me down, tho, at least as long as i am healhty enough to sit here and type. I dont have the energy to read or research, but i know its going to be okay, because I don't believe God and PF would give me the gift of children unless I were there to be there with them. God knows too, that I am not a mother, and maybe i could raise one or two on my own, but not a parcel. I want my kids to be raised knowing they have family, mother and father, and to be honest, i want their mother to do the lion's share of the nurturing. that is just not my strong suit. Nor for that matter, is any kind of emotional or social skill set, and again, God surely knows that, and will provide a more congenial and natural opportunity and setting for me to live, team, and work with my mate. Of course, the problem is the occult. They are scared to death of real human beings, spiritually powerful human beings, and thus PF and I are both high targets for control. I don't know who they are able to control better, but neither of us is free. I tell myself not to panic though, that fear will lead me to take radical and reckless actions, that just cannot be rushed or pushed, without backlashing repercussions. still, I worry about my children--i smelled the horrible smell this morning that tells me Nazis were involved, though i did not have a foreboding when I awoke--just the severe hormonal depression caused by chemical castration. i worry about PF being set up by evil, and hope that she slows way down, instead of taking on so much responsibility running point on her projects. Still, I continue to have faith in the future, and it does no good to try to control it. That is how these interdimensional titans have gotten to be such "flipping" monsters--they constantly are peering into the future, and trying to control it, until now, everything is spun out of control. I have a vision of the future--it is one in which humanity is digitally embodied, consciousness, but have love, warmth, family, and children. Procreation is of the energetic ilk that PF and I have used to create children, and raising children is a laborious and involved process for both parents. These future humans are slightly autistic, and may seem reserved or aloof, but not to the point of collective assimilation. They are strong as a civilization and able to hold their boundaries. They are deeply spiritual, intellectual, and of course, interdimensional. right now, this is all an imaginative prediction, based on my deep unconsciousness (but don't forget the crystal skull), but my dreams tell me it will happen. It is just going to take a lot of patience, time, and grace, for the conditions to even begin to set. in the meantime, i wait, and try not to be bored, sick, and miserable, while i am too hormonally starved to do much at all.