Saturday, April 14, 2012

I am always the rational one.

I am always the rational one. Sigh. It is not a neurotic defense or coping mechanism--it is the way that I have always been. After waking up this morning, knowing that once again, my body was mutilated, I had to fight the same feeling I did as a teenager, when I would tell myself, "don't act irrationally, just endure, until you turn 18". I had quite strong feelings as a teenager. I wanted to kill my Dad--literally, and if you doubt that, ask the psychics who surround me. I think they were a little surprised when that memory resurfaced one day in my head while I was smoking a cigarette. I know now that I have at least one past lifetime, in which the guilt of parricide was prominent--that of Alexander the Great. However, I didn't need the karma of a past lifetime to Oedipally tempt me to kill my father--there was more than sufficient reason that I experienced in this lifetime--the abuse, the beatings, the humiliation, etc. All of that was healed in my spiritual conversion after his death, but the memory still has been popping up lately.

Perhaps "kill" is too strong a word--I just wanted to fight back like a man. There was a neighbor kid who I envied more than anyone else in my adolescence. His name was Ray, and his father was a full-blown alchoholic and wife beater--though he never beat the kids. Well, Ray got his testosterone boost of adolescence, and one day, while his father was pounding on the sweet, long suffering mother, Ray snapped, and ended up beating his father to a pulp. While holding him down, Ray said, "you ever hit my mother again, and I am going to kill you". That was the last time, the Dad beat the mother, and he died soon after, shaking and screaming with DT's. Now, that story eventually percolated the neighborhood rounds through the mother, but while I was so impressed with, and envious of Ray, I could tell that his triumph hadn't really eased his pain. He was as full of repressed fury and introverted sadness as he always had been. I always look for, and gauge by positive results, and while I found the thought of physically confronting my father immensely satisfying, I knew that from every conceivable angle, it was a lose-lose situation from me. Ray's father was a full-blooded Cherokee, and everybody rooted for the wife and kids, because the Dad was a minority "other", a drunk Indian. Everybody knew of my dad's drinking problem, but he was a well-liked, small town "good ole boy"--one of them. Had I made any attempted any attempt at violent filial rebellion, no matter how justified, the opprobrium of the entire town would have fallen on me. So no, that idea was out. Then I thought of running away--again, very rationally, and often in great detail. I had money in the bank from all the jobs I held as a teen, and I thought that I had a strong sense of the world and self. Of course, I didn't, but again, it was my reason that saved me. Somehow I knew that running away would be worse than staying in the family home, and enduring the abuse--if only because my prime motivation was to go to college. For years, then months, then weeks, I endured the hatefulness, but I "made it", and this blog, with all the self-evident erudition is proof positive that holding out for my dream of higher education, was all worth it.

I have said it before, but I will say it again. Since getting targeted by
the KaBal, I have felt like a child in my father's house once again--controlled and victimized, with no efficacious outlet for my self-assertion or rage However, that is changing. I think the sad, traumatized four year old girl, is finally starting to integrate into my conscious self-understanding, and heal. Once she is fully integrated, my unconscious actions will align more with those of my conscious self. So, while I am not sure what happened last night, I know that I woke up very angry--like I said, I think I was mutilated again. However, it is nearly always a mistake for a disempowered and/or enslaved male to lash out in anger, so even though that was the temptation this morning, I just kept telling myself to be rational, until I calmed down enough to write this post.

It is important that I do so, because while one half of the occult wants to use me as some kind of mealy spirited, vacuous femmie guru, who sends out ersatz bliss via MACHINE_RA frequencies, the other half of the occult KaBal wants me to explode in anger, destroying all hope of peace and reconciliation, both on Earth, and between humans, hybrids, and aliens. Either way, the world, humanity, and I lose. Just like when I was a teenager, I HAVE to hold on to my prime motivator--that of getting a body upgrade as a Black man, until the time is right. Exploding in anger would be a huge mistake. However, even as a teen, I had a Plan B, just in case, college didn't come through (rational as always), and I have a Plan B now, but because I truly desire the best possible outcome, I will not act on Plan B, until the time deadline has passed.

In the meantime, I just have to keep from exploding with rage, but I will warn my abductors, that a person being tortured and abused has the right to defend themselves, and very soon, that four year old girl is going to morph into an outraged, castrated warrior right before your eyes and take action to defend himself. I am just letting you know...I always give a warning. Well not always--as PF has witnessed, when I, in a dog's body shape attacked her, after escaping from Nazis. Of course, I deeply regret this, and PF has learned from it--she always keeps her distance from me, while I slumber in the morning twilight zone now. Anyway, it may not be tonight or tomorrow night, but I tell you now that anyone abusing me in my unconscious state, is likely to be attacked by my victimized, but soon-to-be, fully empowered inner child, and believe me, she has a lot of rage on which to act.

However, my conscious self cannot and will not allow her full rein in the MATRIX world. For me, manhood is not about engaging in battle, every time I feel disrespected, so much as it is preparing for the final showdown, which I fully intend to win. At this point, I still need to harness and channel my energies, not expend them in futile anger, although to some extent, that is very freeing as well. I know who I am and what I am. I know that it must seem confusing that I seem to claim "motherhood" and "fatherhood" at the same time, but actually, I know when the real cutoff date occurred. I considered myself a mother, until my eggs were harvested. My body was bleeding once a month, and was fertile, so that I could have conceivably become a mother at any point. Because the life progenitors of my children, were eggs, and not sperm, I consider myself a mother, insofar, as I was just a donor of body cells. However, I never nurtured my children as a mother, neither in the womb, nor during their earliest formation, so that as soon as they were activated and ensouled, they were already in relationship to me as father, not mother. The fact that PF was their primary nurturer, and believe me, she is much more maternal than I ever could be, stamps the confirming seal--she is their adoptive mother and I am the genetic progenitor of father. Likewise, after years of struggling to accept a feminine identity, I held on to it for years. It wasn't even the penis castration that did it. It was the removal of my pec muscles from my chest, because I saw myself as having a broad, powerful bosom--not the man boobs that the removal of my upper rib and pec muscles left me, and most certainly not the gross, disgusting blobs of fat and flesh hanging from a mutilated torso, which is what the sick, perverted Nazis in their arrogant stupidity have fashioned for--a femmie Frankenstein body---YUCK!!!.

But everybody whose life has been touched by occult evil, has their own personal cross to bear, as we move into the final lap before liberation. Some need to work on curbing their anger, and others need to learn to express it. Some need to work on a timidity of spirit, while others, like me, need to expand it. Some need to work on separation from the occult orbit, while others need to engage it, however indirectly, in order to heal or free from it. I know that I am writing a lot about personal stuff; that is because the world is at a point where too much talk or revelation on my part could be damaging. Let me just say that there are positive changes underway, not only here on Earth, but also in the rest of the galaxy. Let me also say, that my suffering has at least, borne fruit, and that the Patriots have been able to identify more of the hidden dynamics and players of the alien factions, which, in the long run, helps us. I will not divulge that information just yet, but maybe later. In the meantime, I think I will stay focussed on the personal--the stronger I become, the closer I get to reaching my prime goal--and I can barely wait.

No comments: