Monday, June 20, 2011

Another night of cutting

Another night of cutting that has left my hands all but numb. I realized last night that the virus has left my body so spasmed that not only can I not lay with my back or legs flat on the ground, but now, even my arms won't lay flat on the ground. Every muscle in my body is cramped and spasmed trying to escape the virus that is sheer poison to my body. I woke up feeling smaller again, though I am not sure that it was the aliens that did the cutting. Now, I think it is just the fault of patriarchal men--whether Jesuits or not. Patriarchal men are males who refuse to honor the free will of those in female bodies. My torso and arms being chopped up, the forced female hormones that have left my vagina dripping wet (which NEVER happened in the first 50 years of my life), are just a variation of the same old theme...Chinese women having their feet so mutilated that they could not walk, because patriarchal men thought that was sexy. Billions of females having their genitals mutilated because patriarchal men think sexual pleasure is only for them and not for females (oh by the way, I have been labially and clitorally excised). Women denied the pleasure of feeling the strength and power of body in play, exercise and sports, because patriarchal men find it sexier that females have soft, undeveloped, childish bodies with boobs. Women being told for centuries, that they don't know what is good for them or that they are incapable of thinking or acting for themselves...Is it a wonder that women were depressed and neurotic for centuries? Now, I carry in my body and person the same abuse that women have endured for centuries. Patriarchal males want to define my body, and because they don't find it appealing to their definition of the feminine, they will cut me down until they are satisfied that I am "female enough" for their sick, abusive mindset. I am undergoing what I went through in childhood, when I had a father whose insistence on what was feminine ran completely counter to my own sense of self. My father even told me that I shouldn't go to college, because that was for men!!! But I insisted upon being me, even though I was miserable for years, and eventually won out. Well, guess what, you patriarchal and religious assholes? I still insist on being me, even though you have drugged me for years, and physically destroyed my body. I don't like being small. I don't like being soft. I don't like being wet. And thanks to assholes like you, it is probably going to take me YEARS, if not the rest of my life to even liking and being proud of being female--something you have destroyed along the way, along with the mutilation of my body. I can't stop you sons of bitches from destroying me physically or castrating me chemically or hormonally, but I do for you what you won't do for me--try to ensure that no one, male or female, ever is denied the fullness of being and personhood again...Now I have to go to take a shower--I can only take them every three days--and feel the body that you have mutilated, castrated, and forced upon me, so that I can't stand it anymore...just so you have a little girl that you can foist your patriarchal immaturity upon....

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