Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I am fighting hard core depression

I am fighting hard core depression. I do not know how much of it is the result of too much estrogen or how much of it is the result of psychotropic drugs or how much of it is the result of the altered brain biochemistry caused by the cybernetics and alien virus. I know that I woke up cocooned from reality (psychotropic drug) so deeply that I could barely get the energy to move, so deeply depressed that I had absolutely zero desire or energy to even get to the computer to read the morning Internet news. Then I took testosterone tablets (actually three), and I got the necessary boost to function. It isn't much of a boost, and certainly I still feel like something is dragging me down, and that I am struggling just to be present to reality, but considering the before and after, it is just one more confirmation that I need to be on a much higher dosage of testosterone than I currently am. Instead, I am force fed female hormones. I am completely congested with the excess mucous that female hormones cause, and I am just completely miserable with the constant and sticky vaginal wetness caused by the other female hormones.

I wonder if I will ever feel like a human being again. My inner voice says I will get my body back, and I trust it, but I just don't see how, at least in this lifetime. I know that it is the female hormones which makes the body so hateful to my sense of self-identity. When I am on testosterone with no female hormonal supplementation, I don't pay attention to the body, even though I am aware that I can no longer do things like yoga, or playing a musical instrument, because of the mutilation of my shoulders and arms. However, when I am on estrogen/progesterone, I am constantly aware of my unnatural and alien body, and it drives me crazy, especially since I can barely move my arms without brushing against the big cow boobs the mutilation has created. I think this is because the estrogen/progesterone seriously hampers, rather than enhances, my ability to relate to the world. In short, testosterone makes me less autistic, while the female hormones make me more. The mind controllers who have turned my body into a lab rat experiment are feeding me both high levels of testosterone (because they finally have accepted the fact that my brain requires high levels of testosterone to function) and estrogen/progesterone. The testosterone allows the brain to function but the female hormones makes me angry and anxious, in short autistic.

I am aware that this feeling of alienation and self-hatred of the body is actually a mind-control technique of the evil aliens and their human sycophants who are responsible for the chemical soup that is in my brain, and I have tried to fight it for years, but I have no energy left. I know that part of my despair is the drugs/female hormones that I currently am on, but with every breath that I cannot breathe, due to a congested nose, I wonder how long I can live in this hell? As I write this, the download has increased--I started out fairly well, but I am now losing all energy and touch with reality. Need to go.

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