Never ending autistic misery

Never ending autistic misery punctuated by episodes of semi-psychosis and outright psychosis. Being in an autistic state is sheer hell, and yet that is what I suffer most of my days. I am so fucked up and so fucking miserable, people have no idea. I literally never have a moment or day of feeling halfway normal. My weight gain is out of control, and I know that it is the estrogen, which I am being force fed, and which is toxic to my body. I don't know where this is going to end, because I cannot stop the stupid fucking Catholic fascist pigs from force feeding me the shit. And yes, I know that the stupidass catholics are the ones doing the grunt monitoring work on me now (what happened to the Black psychics?)

I don't know. I just know that I am sick and tired of being monitored and controlled by people who will not accept my free will and self-determining choices. I am a lesbian, and finding an intimate partner is the first step in feeling like a human being again. One thing for sure, as autistic as I feel, I am not capable of being in relationship with anybody--whether intimate or otherwise. Insofar as I have a spiritual mission, I would prefer working with MCC or episcopalians--the catholics who constantly are monitoring are the absolute last people who, like their master, admire me from afar, as long as they can control me, but are absolutely terrified of what I actually believe about spirituality. Too goddamned autistic to make much sense.

I am worried because I am in a lot of belly pain. This is not normal. I think that the goddamned motherfuckers have got me on some drug that probably makes my brain more malleable to their purpose, but which totally blocks my belly. It is as if there is something literally obstructing in my gut. This has happened to some degree ever since these motherfuckers started putting implants in me. Everytime I would eat, my belly would painfully bloat. Now it is bloated all the time, and it is at the point where it has become physically painful. This is an autistic gut. I would experience it on occasion as a child, but only briefly and intermittently. Even as a child, my body had inner wisdom, but I am denied the ability to act on my own body wisdom, and am force fed drugs and all kinds of shit that are hell on my body.

Dreamed once again that I was a prisoner in Warren and mom's house--religious fascist Nazis. Nice surbaban neighborhood, but all I wanted to do was escape. How could I escape? That is all I want to do now? How the fuck do I escape the prison of religious fascist expectations by a bunch of spiritually dead pricks and their alien overlords? Actually right now, I just want to feel better. I may need to go to dr. tomorrow. this belly is getting worse and worse.